By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.” (Proverbs 24:4)
Wisdom from above is essential for a meaningful and blessed marriage. Bible also says “For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” (Proverbs 2:6) “Unless the LORD builds the house, the builder’s labour in vain. (Ps. 127:1) God is the Divine Builder. “For every house is built by someone, but He who built all things is God.” Heb. 3: 4
In the Book of Proverbs, we read that homes are built with three primary tools: wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Wisdom is the ability to perceive with discernment, to view life as God sees it. Wisdom is application. Understanding is the skill to bring together the elements of life so that one can respond to it or live it with insight. Understanding is comprehension. Knowledge is learning, discovering, growing, and living with an eternal perspective. Knowledge is information. In Hosea 4:6a God says, “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” The greatest knowledge of all is the knowledge of God. God designed marriage with certain purposes and only His counsel can make a marriage fall in line with His design. Look at Proverbs 21:30 “There is no wisdom or understanding or counsel against the Lord.”
The one thing we were sure of was that we wanted a marriage in which God would play a central role. On the day we got married we made three important decisions and we truly believe that those decisions helped us to navigate the first difficult years of adjustment and continue to help us today also. Number one: We would pray together every night before we went to bed. Number two: If any friction happened during the day, we would not go to sleep before resolving the conflict and praying together. Number three: Between us, if anyone takes the initiative to apologise and make up, the other person must accept the apology and be willing to set right the issue even if they did not feel like making up right then. This decision made it easy to apologise because you knew you would not be brushed off.
Well, it has not always been very easy to follow these decisions. But when you commit your decisions to the Lord, He helps you to keep them and has very practical suggestions on how you can do so. Like the time one day when we had a major misunderstanding. I was quite upset with John and was convinced that the fault was all his and so he should be the one to apologize. John thought likewise. Well, the whole day I maintained my silence and refused to talk. By evening I felt a soft prompting, “Go make tea.” I did not want to do so and kept arguing with God, “John is also your son, talk to him this time.” Again, I sensed the Lord asking, “Do you want to be happy; Go make tea.” Well, you cannot argue with God, I made the tea and yes without any words the barriers all came down.
I realised that being happy in a relationship is more important than waiting to see who would make the first move. This creates a wedge between you, destroying intimacy, eroding trust, and denying peace between husband and wife. Few things are as toxic to a relationship as pride. When pride is present, intimacy is absent. The more I hold on to my pride and grudge, the more unhappy I am. The one who is holding on to the grudge is more miserable inside than the one against whom it is held.
Being in full time ministry we needed God’s wisdom to balance our marriage and ministry. Marriage, as all married people know, requires hard work even though few people say so before one embarks on it! Everybody understands both marriage and ministry take time and effort. But there are only so many hours in the day, and energy, like oil, is not a limitless resource. Hence the question about balance. I have heard more than a few earnest and godly people talk about ministry “intruding” on marriages or marriages “suffering” because of ministry. But I think marriage and ministry are compatible because both are God-given, motivated by love, and are expressed in service. Paul’s admonition, “serve one another in love” is applicable to both marriage and ministry because it speaks to all dimensions of the life to which we have been called. Two totally compatible dimensions of life – marriage and ministry – that operate on the same principle of loving service and should therefore in no way conflict, compete, or counteract. They should blend. At different times in lives journey, either the marriage or ministry needs more attention at that particular time, and you ought to give it that time and attention without feeling guilty. Both spouses need to openly talk about priorities and reach a common ground.
There have been times when ministry seems to take over, when there are deadlines, heavier demands than usual, and unexpected circumstances. There have also been times when there are family emergencies, like a husband or wife or one of the kids is in the hospital. Such is life. Whatever is our challenge I have seen first – hand that in order to have balance in every aspect, Christ needs to be placed in the top spot. He has to be an essential part of my everyday life. With Christ in the centre of everything we do, the balance we so desperately crave falls into place!
If I neglect my ministry at home, I cannot be a channel of blessing and be an effective tool in God’s hand. This means I keep in mind that my ministry first starts at home, where I lovingly serve my wife. I will not regard attending to my wife’s needs and desires as an obstruction to my ministry. Being married to her means ministering to her and she then reciprocates by willingly releasing me for ministry purposes with her complete prayerful support.
God desires that both areas of ministry thrive, each fuelling the other, and so both become rewarding and fulfilling. God empowers us in both, works through us in both, and He sanctifies us through both.
Marriage is a wonderful experience and when a husband and wife can work together with the Holy Spirit, it is one of the most beautiful experiences that any human can ever have. Without God and His wisdom, it is impossible to showcase His love and grace to people around us. Our marital relationship is coupled with God. No perfect marriage exists but two imperfect people following the perfect Saviour. Because marriage is a perfect vow made before a perfect God by two imperfect people, only God can make it work. We need to commit ourselves to the one who established the institution of marriage so that He becomes the centre of gravity and helps keep us solid.
Each one of us brings something into the marriage. There is a lot of give and take in any healthy marriage. This means working together in partnership along with God. And it is helping the other to live up to our full potential. This includes praying with and for each other, and worshiping our God together. It also comprises studying the Bible, and living our lives together as God teaches. So instead of dwelling on how different we are from each other, we think about the things we have in common. And we are willing to give up our individual preferences for one another.
When God is a part of our everyday life, His wisdom helps us to align ourselves in what He wants us to do and His calling becomes clearer and clearer as we progress as we keep walking with Him every day. We do not go to Him only when we have a major decision to make, but as we keep talking with Him even as we continue our mundane chores, His presence becomes real and His wisdom directs our paths. Relying on God for even my insignificant chores at home has been a soul -satisfying experience.
When we were in the mission field, we had power cuts for over 14 hours per day and with the temperatures soaring up to 40 degrees Celsius, in the summer, it was difficult. Once another missionary visited us and was quite flustered because of the heat. Within me I could sense spiritual pride making me think that I was a better child of God who could live and be cheerful even in such uncomfortable conditions. Again, there was that gentle voice saying, “you have been enabled by me therefore can take these conditions. The other person does not have to live here and hence has not been enabled to do so.” We do what we do in any given circumstance only because we have been enabled by His grace. There is no place for pride only gratitude for his enabling and sustaining grace. That is one lesson I will never forget!
Even in the seeming disappointments of life God orchestrates everything to bring joy. John had to travel from Bihar to Calcutta for his graduation ceremony. He was really looking forward to meeting his friends and having a joyous reunion. When he reached Tata Nagar, he found his train had departed and the next train was only the following evening. Those were days when there were no mobile phones as we now have and things could not be communicated instantly. He was very upset and could not understand why God let this happen. But later he came to know the train that he had missed met with an accident. God in His mercy had protected him. Not only that, but the graduation ceremony itself was delayed which enabled him to meet all his friends. God is sovereign and he always gives us what is best.
Looking back on life we see that the road has not always been straight. There have been many highs and an equal number of lows. Once while travelling to Pachalur, which is at an altitude of 1600 metres, a Village in Kodaikanal Block in Dindigul District of Tamil Nadu State, India, I was feeling low about my many failures. My attention was drawn to the road which seemed to go straight up for a while but then seemed to go down and then up again. It seemed as if we were not climbing at all. Of course, after reaching Pachalur, I knew I had been progressing throughout the entire journey. Similarly, God is taking me higher and higher in my earthly journey and there maybe days when I feel I am not moving forward or progressing but God is constantly working in my life amidst all my ups and downs and helping me to progress.
We also realise we need His wisdom as parents in raising our daughter. When she was a teenager, we prayed for godly wisdom to handle ourselves so that we will be wise enough to know when and how to talk with her, how to speak words of correction, when to remain silent and when and how to respond and not react. When she completed her schooling, we were all praying for the next step. She wanted to do Bachelor in Occupational Therapy. There were two options before us. She either study in Christian Fellowship Hospital at Oddanchattram or at SRM college Chennai. We preferred CF hospital because it is a ‘safe place’ compared to SRM which is a ‘tough place’. But God who knows everything opened the door for her in SRM. When we were slightly apprehensive, He assured us with the following verses
Deuteronomy 32:10-12 NKJV
“He found him in a desert land and in the wasteland, a howling wilderness; He encircled him, He instructed him, He kept him as the apple of His eye. As an eagle stirs up its nest, Hovers over its young, spreading out its wings, taking them up, carrying them on its wings, So the LORD alone led him, and there was no foreign god with him.”
We have the assurance that God is watching over her. Our relationship with her has improved tremendously because we have trusted her to remain faithful to all the godly values imbibed within her. There is a lot of openness and peace. Our relationship is not devoid of challenges and battles particularly when it comes to where to’ give in to her wishes’ and where and when to ‘stand our ground’ and not ignore the issues which requires wisdom from above.
In marriage, the moment you stop relying on God to help your marriage is the moment the natural law of selfishness takes over. We have concluded that the biggest enemy of healthy marriages is “selfishness.” And selfishness is a chameleon. It shows up in a thousand guises and always brings destruction. The antidote to selfishness is serving in love!
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
-John and Elsa Daniel
