We are created in God’s image. So we are created for communication, communication that is designed for beauty, intimacy, and harmony. Of all places, this should be best expressed in our Christian marriages.
Scripture verses:
Ø A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
Ø Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).
Ø A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly (Proverbs 14:29).
Ø An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins (Proverbs 29:22).
Ø Pleasant words are a honey comb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones (Proverbs 16:24).
Ø He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin (Proverbs 13:3).
Ø He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity (Proverbs 21:23).
Ø Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife(Proverbs 17:1)
Ø A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand (Proverbs 27:15-16).
Ø A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand (Proverbs 27:15-16).
Ø Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife (Proverbs 21:19).
Each message has 3 components:
The actual content – just 7% of the message
The tone of voice – 38% of the message
The nonverbal communication – 55% – facial expression, body posture, and actions.
Five levels of communication:
level 1: cliché’ conversation. Very safe; how is the dog? “how are you?“ Level of acquaintance
level 2: reporting facts about others. We are content to tell others what someone has said but not how we feel about them. Level of Information
level 3: ideas and judgments. Real communication starts. Person is willing to step out and share some ideas and decisions. Level of Sharing of ideas
level 4: feelings or emotions. The person shares how he feels about facts, ideas and judgments Level of Sharing Emotions
level 5: complete emotional and personal communication. All deep relationships must be based on absolute openness and honesty. Difficult to achieve because it involves the risk of being rejected. Gut Level Sharing
Importance of Non Verbal communication
Even the best verbal communication skills are not sufficient for creating and sustaining love relationships. Love relationships require the ability to communicate emotions in nonverbal ways. Nonverbal communication skills can be learned and enhanced to improve relationships.
It takes more than words to create safe, secure, exciting love relationships. It takes the ability to accurately pick up and send nonverbal cues that attract and hold the attention of others. Too often the signals we send are not those we intend to send. When this happens, both connection and trust are lost in our love relationships.
What is the language of nonverbal communication in intimate relationships?
Ø Eye contact – the visual sense is dominant for most people and therefore especially important in nonverbal communication. Is this source of contact missing, too intense or just right?
Ø Facial expression – universal facial expressions signify anger, fear, sadness, joy and disgust. What is the face we show loved ones? Is it mask-like and unexpressive, or emotionally intense and filled with interest?
Ø Tone of voice – the sound of the voice conveys moment to moment emotional experience. What is the resonant sound of our voice? Does our voice project warmth, confidence and delight or is it strained and blocked?
Ø Posture – the pose, stance and bearing described by the way we sit, slouch, stand, lean, bend, hold and move our bodies in space. Do our bodies look stiff and immobile or relaxed? Are shoulders tense and raised or slightly sloped? Are abdomens tight or is there a little roundness to our bellies that indicates we are breathing deeply?
Ø Touch – finger pressure, grip and hugs that feel good to us and feel good to the other person. What “feels good” is relative; some prefer strong pressure, others light pressure. Do we know the difference between what we like and what the other person likes?
Ø Timing and pace –It is the ability to be a good listener and communicate interest and involvement. What happens when someone we care about makes an important statement? Does a response – not necessarily verbal – come too quickly or too slowly? Is there an easy flow of information back and forth?
Ø Sounds that convey understanding – sounds such as “ahhh, ummm, ohhh,” uttered with congruent eye and facial gestures, communicate understanding and emotional connection. More than words, these sounds are the language of emotional connection.
Cultivating the art of marital communication
Marital communication is an art. It can be nurtured into the joy that God intended for couples. Try the following steps to make it happen.
Ø Seek God’s help: Ask Him to nurture the language of intimacy and relationship in your lives. Great communication begins with God, who is the Author and Perfecter of all communication. Accept the fact that God alone is the perfect Communicator. Your marriage will always need His redeeming touch for intimate communication to develop.
Ø Know your mate: How could a couple develop this knowledge? As Peter said, they develop it by spending time with one another (i.e. “dwell”). During the period of their engagement or in the initial days of marriage, couples often spend as much time as possible with one another, but sadly as days go by in marriage, quality time starts to fade. The husband has work; the wife is caring for the house and children and possibly working as well. As the children get older, the husband and wife spend more time focusing on the children and less time on one another. As this rhythm continues, they eventually get to the point where they no longer know one another at all. These two individuals change every day and to continue to know one another intimately, they must make time for one another.
Ø Recognize that there will be times of spontaneous communication as well as structured communication in your marriage. So be sensitive to both. The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewellery (Proverbs 25:11, The Message).
Ø Beware of the power of your words, both for healing and for hurting. The goal of good marital communication is “more light than heat.” The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21). Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones (Proverbs 16: 24). A soft answer is an asset. In a confrontational situation, a soft answer is the one that will cool the situation down and enable you to have effective communication.
Ø Honour and accept gender differences. A common source of miscommunication in marriage is the simple fact that men and women are different. Not only does the opposite sex have many physical and emotional differences but communication differences as well, and these differences are often amplified in the marriage union. Men are typically more goal-oriented communicators. Communication is meant to accomplish something. Whereas for a woman many times the goal is different. The goal could be as simple as expression, feeling heard and accepted. Learn to accept the differences in the mate, honour those differences, and learn from them.
Ø Focus on listening to your mate — really listening — before speaking. Listen with two sets of ears: to the obvious words of the mouth and the not so obvious words of the heart. If we respond to a suggestion or comment before the speaker has had the opportunity to fully express the thought, we are extremely rude. The one who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame (Proverbs 18:13).
Ø Look for things for which you can praise your mate — there are more than enough for daily appreciation. Praise is the daily bread of good marital communication. Thank God for the gift of your mate.
Ø Another effective communication skill in marriage is to acknowledge you cannot read another’s mind. You don’t know your partner’s intentions or motives behind an action. You may think they intended to hurt you, get revenge, or elicit a certain response from you, but this is mind-reading. Talk to your partner to seek clarification and build understanding. Open .up communication instead of shutting it down with judgments, mind-reading.
Ø Tell the truth. Somehow we think it is more love to hide our true feelings from those we don’t want to hurt. However, a relationship built on hidden feelings, hopes or fears is built on shaky ground.
Ø Practice forgiveness. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Your spouse is only human, and it means that sometimes they’re going to make mistakes, just as you are. Learn to practice forgiveness as shown by Christ, so you can approach one another with open, trusting hearts.
Barriers to Communication
What makes marital communication so difficult? Basically, we all face specific barriers that hinder a deepening communication in our marriages.
First, we all carry some baggage with us from our upbringing. Our parents may have never communicated with each other or with us. They may have told us that children are to be seen and not heard.
Second, we live in an isolating culture. Things like television, the Internet, smart phones, etc isolate us from those nearest and dearest to us. We get comfortable finding our own meaning, purpose, and values without having to interact and communicate with others.
Third, we are bombarded with outside pressures. Jobs, ministry, church meetings, travels and the like, can steal the quality time needed for real communication between husbands and wives.
Fourth, we tend to be lazy, gravitating to the nearest comfort zone. Real marital communication takes time, effort, and planning. It is not for the fainthearted.
Fifth, we may be fearful of showing our emotions or of being rejected if we communicate openly and honestly.
Sixthly, it is unwillingness to forgive. It’s hard to communicate well when one or both of you are angry, resentful, or nurse hurtful sentiments from the past. When you hold anger and are unforgiving towards your partner in your heart, it makes it difficult to see the current situation clearly. Resentment colours your interactions with your spouse and stops you from seeing what is good and worth valuing in your marriage.
As you think about the importance of good communication in a marriage, consider the many ways we communicate—both verbal and non-verbal. God “speaks” to us in Scripture through the words and the events of history. Our marriage relationships should also reflect this creativity in communication.
Evaluation:
Ask yourself, in what ways has God gifted me to communicate with and serve my spouse or others in my ministry? This will likely be something you would choose to do and enjoy doing—e.g. acts of service, talking through issues, giving/receiving gifts, etc. Maximize this gift, talk about it with your spouse, and use it often!
Another good question to ask is, “What areas of communication (verbal or non-verbal) do I avoid?” Here may be an area God wants you to develop further in you as you mature in the Lord.
Is there anything that I need to apologize for?
Are there any common miscommunication patterns in your relationship that may come in part from gender differences?
What ways have you experienced the importance of abiding in Christ for communication?
Ask your spouse “Is there anything you need from me that you’re not getting?”
Ask yourself and your spouse, “How can I be a better spouse?”
