Something inevitable in the married life where two unique, different people live together. Nothing wrong to have differences of opinion, strong disagreements, misunderstandings etc.
Conflict can break a marriage or can build a marriage.
It can draw us closer to each other through understanding or it can drift us / tear us apart from one another through misunderstanding and all sorts of barriers. It depends on the way we handle it.
I. WHY DO WE FIGHT ?
¨ We are so (selfish) egocentric: my ways, my ideas, my plans, my dream, my money. When my mine is affected, we resist; we react.
¨ Basic differences in our (personality): The way we think and functions Lack of understanding of gender differences and appreciation for them.
¨ Differences in our (background); Expression of love; celebration, observing Sabbaths
¨ Differences in our style of communication: way of communication, we tend to assume a lot, not actually listening properly.
¨ Physical and emotional tiredness/stress: We become irritable, touchy, when we cannot react towards our boss or someone, we take that out on our partners. Displaced anger. Example: Elijah, Jonah, – Devil takes hold of our tiredness.
¨ Differences in our values and priorities: Example – concept of money, how to get/ borrowing, giving, buying, saving, spending, time management
¨ Differences in tastes, preferences, the way we function. Early to bed, late night going; reading, music.
¨ Differences in spiritual experiences and exposure.
¨ Discipline children
¨ In-laws – failure to leave and cleave
¨ Workaholism: no time to quietly be together.
¨ Responsibility at home how much, when/and what a husband/wife does?
II. HOW TO DEAL ?
¨ Sincerely commit your lives to Jesus Christ as Lord.
¨ Consider the marriage a life-long commitment, just as Christ is eternally committed to His bride, the Church.
¨ Agree to always listen to each other’s feelings, even if you disagree with the appropriateness of those feelings.
¨ Commit yourselves to both honesty and acceptance.
¨ Determine to attempt to love each other unconditionally, with each partner assuming 100 percent of the responsibility for resolving marital conflicts (the 50/50 concept seldom works).
¨ Consider all the factors in a conflict before bringing it up with your mate.
¨ Confess any personal sin in the conflict to Christ before confronting your mate.
¨ Limit the conflict to the here and now – never bring up past failures, since all past failures should have already been forgiven.
¨ Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:
o “You never” or “You always”
o “I can’t” (always substitute “I won’t”)
o “I’ll try” (usually means “I’ll make a half-hearted effort but won’t quite succeed”)
o “You should” or “You shouldn’t” (these are parent-to-child statements).
¨ Limit the discussion to the one issue that is the center of the conflict.
¨ Focus on that issue rather than attacking each other.
¨ Ask your mate if he/she would like some time to think about the conflict before discussing it (but never put it off past bedtime – see Eph. 4:26).
¨ Each mate should use “I feel …” messages, expressing his response to whatever words or behavior aroused the conflict. For example, “I feel angry toward you for coming home late for supper without calling me first” is an adult-to-adult message, whereas “You should always call me when you’re going to be late for supper” is a parent-to-child message. A parent-to-child message will cause the mate to become defensive.
¨ Never say anything derogatory about your mate’s personality. Proverbs 11:12 tells us that he who despises (belittles) his neighbor lacks sense (NASB).
¨ Even though your mate won’t always be correct, consider your mate an instrument of God, working in your life. Proverbs 12:1 says, He who hates reproof is stupid (NASB).
¨ Never counterattack, even if your mate does not follow these guidelines.
¨ Don’t tell your mate why you think he or she does what he does (unless he asks you), but rather stick to how you feel about what he/she does.
¨ Don’t try to read your mate’s mind. If you’re not sure what he meant by something he said, ask him to clarify it.
¨ Be honest about your true emotions, but keep them under control Be honest about your true emotions, but keep them under control. Proverbs 29:11 says, A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back (NASB). Proverbs 15:18 says, A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies contention (NASB).
¨ Remember that the resolution of the conflict is what is important, not who wins or loses. If the conflict is resolved, you both win. You’re on the same team, not opposing, competing teams.
¨ Agree with each other on what topics are “out of bounds” because they are too hurtful or have already been discussed (for example, in-laws, continued obesity, and so on).
¨ Pray about each conflict before discussing it with your mate.
¨ Seek forgiveness – take initiative; apologize meaningfully. Forgive – be generous in forgiving. Do not bring up the issue again.
III. WRONG WAYS / APPROCHES TO DEAL WITH CONFLICTS
¨ Avoiding discussion – Some assume that time will heal the issue automatically. No, it does no. It just pushes it to the subconscious. It will come again. It is not revolved.
¨ Withdrawing – silence
¨ Giving up for the sake of peace – like a martyr, not experiencing one’s views, feelings, ideas.
IV. WHAT TO AVOID IN A CONFLICT ?
¨ Yelling , screaming, shouting, being rude, name-calling
¨ Blaming, accusing.
¨ Generalizing – you always, you never
¨ Avoid fighting in front of any third person – children, parents, in-laws, friends and relatives.
