We must remember, that when we marry there is a sense in which our spouse’s parents become our parents, too, and the fifth commandment applies. You marry more than just your spouse. In a sense, you united with your spouse’s family too and relationship with them is also vital.
A few guiding principles:
Learning to get along with each other’s family is a gift you each give the other. And it may be the most valuable gift you give or receive during your marriage. If affects the two of you now, but later it will have a big impact on your children. Grandparents are very important, and the two of you are the gate through which the families have to pass to have a relationship with your children.
Ideally, the members of your family are the people who love you the most. They gave birth to you, changed your diapers, cleaned up your messes, and put up with you during the terrible twos. They witnessed the best moments of your life, and they saw you at your worst. They interacted with you during the most important developmental stages of your life. As a result, your relationship with your family has given definition to your understanding of love. We are who we are largely because of the experiences we have enjoyed—or endured—within the context of our unique family units. Your experience at home helped determine your understanding of a loving relationship. If your family was affectionate, then affection and love are linked in your heart. If your family was encouraging, then encouragement and love go hand in hand for you. If you grew up with anger, then for you, anger and love go together.
The responsibility of married couples to each other involves a total commitment. When a husband and wife marry, they commit themselves to the task of building a good and enriching marriage. It’s simply a matter of priorities, and making choices for the marriage, not against anyone. It means to be physically, emotionally and financially independent from one’s parents, rather than retaining any vestige of dependence upon them. Of course, it must be recognized that when dependency remains, it may be because of either the adult child’s or the parents’ desires.
However committed a couple may be to a marriage as a permanent bond, they may face certain issues. For many, this is a time of tension between loyalties. And if the parent-child bond was strong and healthy, the attachment to parents may feel stronger than the attachment to the new spouse. This can make the separation painful for both the parents and the adult child. But building the new marriage must take centre stage, especially during the first year of marriage.
The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is one of the most complicated human connections. It comes with a built-in conflict before the relationship even begins: two radically different views of the same man. One woman [wife] always will see him first as a man; the other [mother] always will see him first as her child. Understanding these perspectives is the first step to having a smooth in-law connection.
Because unconditional love doesn’t naturally exist between in-laws, it’s a decision that must be made and then acted on daily. Regardless of our “negative feelings,” we’re to act in love. Ephesians 4:32: “And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” This verse needs to be the foundation for our relationship.
Setting up your own household doesn’t mean you must terminate the relationship with your parents. You’re to leave them, not forsake them or forgo all their influence. Their hard-won experience can still play a vital role in your lives.
Consider the biblical examples of Naomi, the mother-in-law who had a beautiful relationship with her daughter-in-law Ruth. And recall Jethro, the father-in-law of Moses, who pulled him aside and told him he was working himself to death. Taking his advice made Moses’ service to God much more effective.
To limit confusion and minimize conflicts, it works best if each of you is the primary spokesperson to your own parents when it comes to working out differences at least in the initial years of marriage. Over the years blending can take place through gradual understanding of each person in the extended family. Newly married Husband and wife two different people whose personalities had been shaped by different experiences of their upbringing. Growing to know and understand each other’s families also can became an important key to unlocking that puzzle.
A few practical suggestions:
Accept your in-laws as they are. Don’t feel that it’s your task to change them. If they aren’t having a personal relationship with God, certainly you’ll want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but don’t try to fit them into your mould.
Avoid criticizing your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honour his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, be mature enough to point out their strengths. At times you might want to share your hurts with your spouse. But make sure you are not your sharing your hurt with a vengeful heart but you are just ventilating your feelings and pray together and pray for each other.
Set aside your will. The truth is, setting aside our will doesn’t come easily. It feels like “giving in,” and no one likes to do that-especially when you’re convinced the other person’s wrong. But that’s exactly what Jesus did by dying on the cross for us when we were very much in the wrong. If just one woman takes the initiative to “set herself aside,” whether she’s the mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, it will make a tremendous difference to them both.
Grow in your relationship with God. As one gives God more control, our attitude with our in laws would change. What if every day we included the Lord in our relationships with our in-laws? The Lord already knows we’re upset over some of the statements folds make, so we might as well talk to him about them. Remember 1 Samuel 17 where David faced Goliath? In verse 47 he said, “It is [the Lord’s] battle, not ours.” But often we forget that and try to make every battle our own
Look for ways to show gratitude. And teach your children to do the same, no matter what kind of grandparents they have.
Commit yourself to love them. What mildly irritates a daughter might deeply wound a daughter-in-law. What only frustrates a mother can infuriate a mother-in-law. It is choice you need to make in every situation. You might not feel like loving but choose to love with God’s help.
Accept the criticism as the other person’s way of seeing things. If you refuse to criticism you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept criticism you are on the road to fame (Proverbs 13:18). Have the courage and grace to admit it when you are wrong. Sometimes the in-laws are the tools God uses to make us aware of some of our limitations and gives us opportunities to turn to Him to receive inner strength. Take the example of Jacob and his father in -law Laban.
Learn to respond and not react and respond as a united couple. Parents and in-laws need to understand that you and your partner are in agreement on issues. We can choose to be bitter and angry over past offenses. We can choose to focus on only the negative. Or, we can choose acceptance, love and forgiveness. We can choose to overlook the rude comments, the annoying habits, the cold shoulder that is directed toward us.
Accept that you cannot change people. You cannot change any person in your family. As much as you want people in your family to shape up, lose their annoying traits, magically see things from your perspective, or suddenly choose to make completely different decisions, it’s probably not going to happen. We cannot change people. But, we can take our difficult family relationships to God in prayer. And, the wonderful thing about taking these relationships to God in prayer is that God has the power to transform our hearts and our perspectives within the difficult relationships.
Be proactive. We need to intentionally cultivate, grow, and celebrate the good relationships that God has given us. . Rather than wasting energy regretting that you are not closer to your extended family, look for ways to invite your in-laws into your life. Do what you can to build the relationship. Be considerate. Ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say going to encourage and build up the other person, or tear him or her down?”
Appreciate when and where possible and express sincere thankfulness for all the kindness shown and help extended. Never take them for granted.
Take care of aging parents: Sometimes the best option is to move parents into our home. Other times it may be more important to provide additional care, even if it requires remodelling or renovating the home in which they’ve lived for years in order to allow them to remain there.
Remember every struggle or difficult situation would pass away. Let not the struggles get so entangled that we lose sight of the good and positive things and above all God’s loving hand in our marriage. It is good to remind ourselves that we usually don’t grow in the mountain-top times, but in the valleys. When this problem is behind us, we would be on top looking down once again.
Practice restraint and don’t yell or raise your voice. Avoid ridicule and don’t humiliate or demean the other person. You can express your anger without attacking the other person.
Smile. People respond better to those who are positive.
Another guideline to follow is to respond as a united couple. Parents and in-laws need to understand that you and your partner are in agreement on issues. Don’t let any relatives drive you apart. Some couples have shared statements they have learned to use, such as, “We’ve discussed this and we’ve decided…” Using the word “we” carries a strong message. If a relative makes comments to you about your partner, don’t cooperate with them by conveying this information back to your partner. Suggest that this is something they need to discuss directly with your spouse if they have this concern.
When you become an in-law
When our children marry, the family circle expands and relationships become more complicated. All of these relationships affect our marriage. So here are a few tips to keep in-law relationships positive:
Build the relationship with each couple. Some of your best times will be couple to couple.
Visit each couple, but not too often or don’t stay too long.
Let them parent their own children.
Resist the urge to give advice. We must never again impose our will upon them. We must respect them as equals. This does not mean that we will no longer help them, but it means that all help must be given in a responsible manner that will enhance independence rather than dependence
Realize that you and your married children are not in the same season of life. You have very different goals.
Tolerate small irritations.
Build a relationship with each of your grandchildren.
Be interested in your children’s professions, hobbies, and activities.
When you visit, find ways to participate in their household. Find a balance between pitching in and helping and being the guest.
In-laws can pray for their married children and encourage and love them. But they must beware of attempts to reconnect the umbilical cord of dependence and, thus, tragically interfere with God’s plan for the married couple’s oneness.
