Just over 20 years ago, as a young couple we hardly imagined what technological advancement the 21st century had in store for us. We grew up with devices like the Walkman, then the Discman (sounds so obsolete now) as personal music devices. So much has changed since then; in 2001 Apple sold its first iPod making technology more personal and portable; in 2007 Apple released its first iPhone; in 2008 android phones came into existence. Fast forward in 2024 we have cell phones with more memory, speed, power and apps than previously imaginable. Now most families-from the oldest to the youngest-have a small handheld device with tremendous power to shape an individual.
The rapid change in technology has shifted our culture and the social environment that our children grow up in. Our own childhood seemed to be very different compared to the interests and opportunities that our children have growing up. This can be a very stressful and challenging aspect of parenting as it isn’t all wrong or evil and it does have its benefits and place. Since this is the reality of the world that we live in and that our children will grow in, it is important to train them and talk to them about the positive and negative effects of the media that they use before they start using them.
Here is our experience as a couple in bringing up our 3 children.
As parents we had to communicate with each other where our lines were with the use of tech, movies and music that was allowed etc. Having differing upbringing and values made this challenging but discussing these details helped navigate the fears and reservations we each had about the extent and type of media our children were given access to.
We had to reason and discuss these boundaries at each stage of our children’s development as these lines shifted as they grew older. Spending time with the children on a one-on-one basis regularly gave us a clearer understanding of their world, their thinking patterns and social pressures they faced at school.
We attempted to discuss with each of them the reason why they needed to have a particular app/platform, its benefits and its pitfalls or temptations. Having a relationship goes a long way in having these discussions especially when our response was not in favour of their request.
When consenting to a particular gadget we discussed boundaries and the concept of setting up ‘guard rails’ so that these privileges were not taken for granted and misused. During mealtimes we discussed the dos and don’ts of what we valued as a family and discussed the negative impact of misusing these gadgets.
It is important that these are family rules and as much as possible, be followed by everyone in the home including the parents. Children learn what is modelled more effectively than what is told. This meant we had to also make some shifts and abide by some rules like setting aside our phones at mealtimes, phones being at the common charging nook area for the night, and wisely choosing what movies/shows/music we watched and we listened to. While what we watch or listen to may not be necessarily wrong or evil, we taught them the value of the Word that reminds us to ask the following questions before allowing it: is it beneficial? is it edifying? is it true? is it honouring the Lord?
Together with the children, we come up with a limit on screen time and kept them accountable to it. This is to teach them disciplines of setting time that they spend on media like video games, watching youtube videos or shows, surfing the internet, etc. They are expected to spend their free time on other hobbies to allow creativity and imagination develop rather than spending time on phones/computer. As a family, when they were young, we generally spent more time together in board games that prevented them from spending excessive time on the screen. As they grew older, these timelines change to accommodate their interests of doing activities together on the screen. We played video games that can be played as a family or as siblings so that they still interacted and were not isolated. We found ‘Plugged In’ from Focus on the Family to be a very resourceful to rate shows and pick movies to watch as a family.
We adopted a written phone contract before they had their own phones. The contract clearly laid out access grants to parents, rules on passcode, time limits, purchase of apps, placement of phone at nights, content browsing. The contract made our children feel like an older individual being given a bigger responsibility. The contract gave us parents an opportunity to sit and discuss the pros and cons of cell phones thus encouraging them to make smart choices; the dangers and temptations it brings, as much as it is a communication device. We explained that if wrongly used it can be a weapon that puts their safety at risk -physically and spiritually. The goal of the agreement was that they were safe and happy and that they maintain direct and open communication with us.
As time passed, we slowly reduced our control but do keep reminding them of the pitfalls, asking them to regularly check their guardrails, no longer for the sake of parents but for a much higher authority – their Lord and saviour.
We fostered an environment of regular Bible and prayer time, focused and prayed for the development of a healthy heart which guards and protects itself from the wiles of the evil one. We encouraged them to make the right choices to guard their hearts; consistently advised to be careful as to what they take in through their various media choices. Ultimately, we did not want to guide them out of our own fears, but nurture a foundation in Christ that allows them to heed and understand any advice given.
It has certainly not been a smooth ride and there have been innumerable instances during our parenting journey that we were tempted to give in and not fight the battle for our children’s hearts as they would constantly attempt to cross the guardrails set for them in the use of media. We have made mistakes on the way by being too strict and restricting them out of our own fear rather than analysing where they came from, or failing to take the time to listen and understand the pressures and challenges they face in their world. But the Lord has been faithful. He who has called us to be parents for these precious children also equips us for the journey, no matter how challenging and demanding it may seem to be. Every time we have cried out to the Lord for each of our children, He has always heard and answered our prayers in more ways than we could even imagine! When the Lord is for us, who can be against us! He is a prayer answering God and has promised us grace and strength for every stage of this journey. There is a joy in leaning on Him and partnering with the Lord as we raise nurture our children for His purposes!
Proverbs 22:6 has been a key verse for us, which says: “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.” God has given us this opportunity to build our children’s lives, and we keep constantly reminding ourselves whether are we faithful to His calling as a parent. He walks every step of this journey with us!
-Rubesh Nayak
