The meaning of marriage differs from one person to another, from culture to culture, from religion to religion and across the timeline of history. In ancient times, for example, a marriage meant a condition in which a woman was given to a man almost as property, and often as part of a political, social, or business arrangement of some sort. For much of human history, marriage has been a permanent institution that, once entered into, cannot be dissolved except by the death of one of the spouses.
In the modern world, however, marriage is a vastly different thing. As society has become more liberal and gender roles have diversified, the meaning of marriage has also changed. On the up side, marriage is today more of a joining of equals, rather than the subjugation of one to the other. Women are no longer identified by their role of reproducing children. Both men and women enjoy successful careers. On the down side, sexuality is not defined singularly by heterosexuality and sex before marriage is also no longer the taboo it once was. Marriage often becomes much more temporary than it has been in years past. These shifts have had a causal effect on the meaning of marriage.
In many urban areas we see more and more couples choosing cohabitation. It has become quite accepted for couples to move in and live together before getting married, sometimes choosing to remain untitled partners. Today marriage and the family are regularly viewed as social conventions that can be entered into and severed by the marital partners at will. As long as a given marriage relationship meets the needs of both individuals involved and is considered advantageous by both sides, the marriage is worth sustaining. If one or both partners decide that they will be better off by breaking up the marriage and entering into a new, better marital union, nothing can legitimately keep them from pursuing their self-interest, self-realization, and self-fulfilment.
From romance novels to reality TV to movies, unrealistic expectations and false understandings about love, marriage, and romance are easily perpetuated. As a result, both those seeking out a marriage partner and those trying to stay in a marriage relationship struggle with misunderstandings of the definition of that relationship itself.
Many people marry for many reasons (financial status, feel they are growing too old to raise a family, for companionship or etc.). Many married couples begin their lives without understanding God’s plan for them and also without a good foundation which puts these marriages at many risks.
The dictionary defines marriage as the state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
The meaning of marriage can be broad and its specificities change. However, there are some basic premises upon which the concept is based. In any culture and in any religion, marriage is generally understood as the union and commitment between two people in an interpersonal relationship that is recognized by an official institution, such as the state and church, and is of a sexual nature. It is also acknowledged by a community or social structure to which the couple belongs, such as their friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances.
Clearly, simply being religious or professing Christian beliefs isn’t a cure-all for all these different notions and practises and it doesn’t guarantee a long-lasting, blissful marriage. And although religion continues to play a vital role in life and in the very conceptualization of marriage, today in a more liberal and tolerant society, the meaning of marriage is arguably more focused on the heart of the matter – love.
What then is the true or the right meaning of marriage? To answer our questions, we must look at the essential elements of Christian marriage and see how they differ from other approaches to the marriage relationship. What does the Bible, the Word of God say about marriage?
Marriage is a covenant, a sacred bond between a man and a woman instituted by and publicly entered into before God and normally consummated by sexual intercourse.
The Bible approach marriage as a covenant, a relationship based on promises and commitment, not just feelings—though love is most certainly involved. The concept of marriage as a covenant is rooted in the Hebrew faith, and early Christians preserved the belief as well. God’s covenant with Israel was founded on his promise to be faithful to Israel. The Hebrew people promised faithfulness to God as well, though the Bible doesn’t hide that they struggled—and often failed—to keep that pledge. Like God with the Israelites, Jesus established what he called a “new covenant” with his followers.
To speak of marriage as a covenant is to say that the partners make mutual promises about the way they will choose to live in the future, not just declarations of how they feel in the present. The endeavour to live into those promises—remaining faithful to their covenant—will shape their characters over the years.
Thus God’s plan for the marriage covenant involves at least the following five vital principles:
(1) The permanence of marriage: Marriage is intended to be permanent, since it was established by God (Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9). Marriage represents a serious commitment that should not be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. It involves a solemn promise or pledge, not merely to one’s marriage partner, but before God. Divorce is not permitted except in a very limited number of biblically prescribed circumstances.
(2) The sacredness of marriage: Marriage is not merely a human agreement between two consenting individuals (a “civil union”); it is a relationship before and under God (Genesis 2:22). Hence, a “same-sex marriage” is an oxymoron, a contradiction in terms. Since Scripture universally condemns homosexual relationships, God will never sanction a marital bond between two members of the same sex.
(3) The intimacy of marriage: Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships, uniting a man and a woman in a “one-flesh” union (Genesis 2:23 -25). Marriage involves “leaving” one’s family of origin and “being united” to one’s spouse, which signifies the establishment of a new family unit distinct from the two originating families. While “one flesh” suggests sexual intercourse and normally procreation, at its very heart the concept entails the establishment of a new kinship relationship between two previously unrelated individuals (and families) by the most intimate of human bonds.
(4) The mutuality of marriage: Marriage is a relationship of free self-giving of one human being to another (Ephesians 5:25-30). The marriage partners are to be first and foremost concerned about the wellbeing of the other person and to be committed to each other in steadfast love and devotion. This involves the need for forgiveness and restoration of the relationship in the case of sin.
(5) The exclusiveness of marriage: Marriage is not only permanent, sacred, intimate, and mutual; it is also exclusive (Genesis 2:22-25; 1 Corinthians 7:2-5). This means that no other human relationship must interfere with the marriage commitment between husband and wife. For this reason, Jesus treated sexual immorality of a married person, including even a husband’s lustful thoughts, with utmost seriousness (Matthew 5:28; 19:9). For the same reason, premarital sex is also illegitimate, since it violates the exclusive claims of one’s future spouse. As the Song of Solomon makes clear, only in the secure context of an exclusive marital bond can free and complete giving of oneself in marriage take place.
Covenant vs Contract: The term contract is not an uncommon word and we have all heard its usage in day-to-day conversations. Covenant, however, is less familiar. The key to understanding the difference between the terms lies in closely examining their definitions. It is only then that the distinction becomes evident. A covenant starts out like a contract, as an agreement between two or more persons, but the nature of the agreement is different. The Biblical pattern reveals five distinctive characteristics of covenants.
Differences between a covenant and a contract
1. Contracts are often made for a limited period of time. Covenant relationships view commitments as permanent.
Although most marriage ceremonies involve the phrase, “till death do us part,” we see all too many couples who hear that as, “We’re committed to each other until it isn’t fun anymore.” On the other hand unquestionably the biblical ideal is one man and one woman married to each other for life.
2. Contracts often deal with specific actions and limited responsibilities. In covenant relationships people make unconditional promises and unlimited responsibilities.
Most informal contracts made within the marriage also deal with specific actions. Covenant marriages are characterized by unconditional promises, such as “I will be loving, caring, and serving you no matter what you decide to do.”
3. Contracts are based on an “If…, then…,” mentality. Covenant relationships are based on steadfast love.
Couples with this mentality often keep score. I will do this if you will do that. If you don’t do this, I will not do that, and if I get tired enough of it, I’ll break the contract. In a covenant steadfast love is a choice and not conditioned by circumstances or feelings of any kind.
4. Contracts are motivated by the desire to get something for himself/herself. Covenants are initiated for the benefit of the other person.
Many conversations and actions in a contract marriage relationship are motivated by a desire to get something. Many of us can honestly say that we entered marriage motivated by the deep desire to benefit the person we were about to marry. Our intention was to make them happy. However the easy way out when relationships become strained is for one or both partners to revert to contract mentality…
5. Covenant relationships require confrontation and forgiveness. Confrontation means holding the other person responsible for his or her actions. Forgiving means a willingness to lift the penalty and continue a loving, growing relationship. Ignoring the failures of your spouse isn’t the road to marital growth.
Thus the Bible makes clear that, at the root, marriage and the family are not human conventions based merely on a temporary consensus and time-honoured tradition. Instead, Scripture teaches that family was God’s idea and that marriage is a divine, not merely human, institution. The implication of this truth is significant indeed, for this means that humans are not free to renegotiate or redefine marriage and the family in any way they choose but that they are called to preserve and respect what has been divinely instituted. This is in keeping with Jesus’ words, uttered when his contemporaries asked him about the permissibility of divorce: “What therefore God has joined together let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6). For this reason, marriage is far more than a human social contract; it is a divinely instituted covenant. Rightly understood, therefore, a marriage entered into before God involves three persons: a husband, a wife, and God. For this reason, it is not self-interest, human advantage, or an unfettered commitment to personal freedom that governs the marriage relationship, but the husband and wife’s joint commitment to conduct their marriage based on God’s design and sovereign plan.
How Did Sin Affect Marriage and the Family?
Knowing the divine ideal for marriage, and aware that marriage and the family are divine institutions, we are now able to move from God’s creation of man and woman and his institution of marriage to the Fall of humanity and its negative consequences on the marriage relationship. Humanity’s rebellion against the Creator’s purposes led to at least the following six negative consequences: (1) polygamy; (2) divorce; (3) adultery; (4) homosexuality; (5) gender role confusion.
The first shortcoming, polygamy, marrying multiple wives–violates God’s instituted pattern of marital monogamy. While it was certainly within God’s prerogative and power to make more than one wife for the man, God only made Eve. Yet within six generations after the fall of humanity, barely after Adam had died, Lamech took two wives (Genesis 4:19). Later, prominent men in Israel ‘s history such as Abraham, Esau, Jacob, Gideon, Elkanah, David, Solomon, and others engaged in polygamy. However, not only did polygamous marriage fall short of God’s original design, it regularly resulted in disruptive favouritism, jealousy between competing wives, and decline into idolatry.
The second compromise of God’s ideal for marriage was divorce, which disrupted the permanence of marriage. While divorce became so common that it had to be regulated in the Mosaic code (Deuteronomy 24:1-4), the Bible makes clear that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). Divorce is also used repeatedly as an analogy for spiritual apostasy (Isaiah 50:1; Jeremiah 3:8).
A third shortcoming was adultery, the breaking of one’s marriage vows. The Ten Commandments stipulates explicitly, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). An egregious case of adultery was David’s sin with Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11). In cases such as these, the principle of marital fidelity to one’s marriage partner was compromised. The Book of Proverbs calls adultery both foolish and dangerous (e.g. Proverbs 2:16-19; 5:3-22; 6:32-33; 7:5-23; 9:13-18). In the Old Testament, adultery is frequently used as an analogy to depict the spiritual unfaithfulness of God’s people Israel (Jeremiah 3:8-9; Ezekiel 16:32, 38; Hosea 1:1-3:5).
Homosexuality, fourth, marks another falling away from God’s creation purposes in that it violates the divine will for marriage to be between one man and one woman. As Genesis 2:24 stipulates, “A man [masculine] shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife [feminine], and the two shall become one flesh.” Heterosexuality is the only possible arrangement for marriage, as the Creator has commanded and expects married couples to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28). Since homosexuality involves same-sex intercourse that cannot lead to procreation, it is unnatural and cannot logically entail the possibility of marriage.
Gender role confusion is the final result of humanity’s rebellion against the Creator. Where God’s design for man and woman to be distinct yet complementary partners in procreation and stewardship of God’s earth is diluted, people will inexorably be confused about what it means to be masculine or feminine, and the lines between the two sexes made by God will increasingly be blurred.
Despite the above-mentioned ways in which God’s original design for marriage and the family was compromised, however, the Bible in the Old Testament continues to extol the virtues of the excellent wife (Proverbs 31:10-31) and to celebrate the beauty of sex in marriage (Song of Solomon).
The New Testament teaches that the restoration of God’s original design for marriage in Christ is part of God’s realignment of all things under Christ’s authority and lordship. In the book of Ephesians, we read that it is God’s purpose “to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ” (Ephesians 1:10 , NIV). Thus marriage is not an end in itself but part of God’s end-time restoration of all things in the person of Jesus Christ.
Questions to ponder
What are some of the views and teachings you have heard about marriage before and when you got married?
“What should be different about a Christian marriage?”
What are some of the prevailing unrealistic expectations and false understandings about love, marriage, and romance?
What is the current trend you see regarding marriage and marital relationship?
What were the reasons you had when you got married? – Why do women marry? Why do men marry?
From the Bible write a few references/passages to show that our God is a God of covenants
How does sin/ our fallen nature affect our married life on a daily basis?
What are some of our daily struggles in marriage?
