Infertility feels like a curse. The sleepless nights, the tears, the heartbreaks every month and the longings are never ending. Laura story in her song ‘Blessing’ sings “What if trials of this life the rain, the storms, the hardest nights are your mercies in disguise”. What if Infertility is a mercy in disguise? What if it is in fact a blessing shrouded in pain? What if in hindsight we realize that it was the most beautiful thread in the tapestry of our life? We would then not waste our infertility. I pray that each one of us who has walked this painful journey will not waste our experience but pour it as a precious perfume mingled with tears at the Lords feet .Let us be a sweet aroma that brings life and healing to many.
1. You will not waste your infertility if you believe that God has designed infertility
It is hard to believe that God has designed infertility for my life when the bible says that children are a gift from the Lord. Yet I find deep comfort that God has shown us glimpses of the lives of many barren women.
In fact Sarah, Rebecca and Rachel the early mothers of the great multitude nation of Israel waited for children for years. But we read that God closed their wombs or kept them from having children. God allowed infertility in their life to show that the nation of Israel was not big because of its reproductive capabilities but because Abraham, the father of many nations believed in the resurrection power of God who gives life to the dead and calls things into existence that do not exist.
We also see that whenever God wanted a spiritual revival in Israel he uses Barrenness. Hannah bore Samuel at a time when the word of the lord was rare. Samson was born when Israel was suffering in the hands of the philistines. John the Baptist was born just before Jesus so that he could prepare the way for him.
The mothers cried out to the lord in their infertility and God used their pain to bring revival to his people. Our wise creator designed this as part of my life and I trust his wisdom.
2. You will not waste your infertility if you remember that this is a bitter Providence
Providence is the foreseeing care and guidance of God. And infertility is a bitter providence allowed in our life. John Piper in his book, This momentary marriage says -Romance, sex, and childbearing are temporary gifts of God. They are not part of the next life. And they are not guaranteed even for this life. Marriage passes through breathtaking heights and through swamps with choking vapors. It makes many things sweeter, and with it come bitter providences.
Naomi who saw the death of her husband and children said “Don’t call me Naomi but call me Mara.” But as Matthew Henry comments ‘Though God may, for a time, order his people to encamp by the bitter waters of Marah that shall not always be their lot. Let us not faint at tribulations.’ Through Infertility, miscarriage and child loss let us remember that even though God has allowed us to set camp in a place of bitterness he can make the waters sweet. And then we will go from strength to strength until each of us appears before God in Zion and He shall wipe away our tears. Oh how He shall comfort us!
3. You will not waste your infertility if you seek and do God’s will
As soon as a couple is married everyone starts to ask when is the good news? In a few years these questions will become advice. Eat this! Exercise! Don’t eat that! Go to this doctor. Seek this treatment! We will be wasting our time and energy if we don’t spend time as a couple praying that God will show you what to do.
To some, God will ask to wait like Abraham. To others he will ask to seek medical intervention. To others he will show the path of adoption. To even some others he will say that children are not part of your story. Whatever he wants us to do, He alone must be glorified. He is glorified in our medical treatments and in natural conceptions. In adoption we experience His character and in the family of the childless couple his grace is most exemplified. Along with the psalmist we must only say “I desire to do your will O God.”
4. You will not waste your infertility if you pray about your infertility
The mothers of the bible prayed that God would remove their disgrace. Rachel sought God. Hannah, the mighty prayer warrior, was praying in her heart and her lips moved but her voice was not heard. In her deep sorrow she learnt the secret of prayer. She knew how to pour out her anguish to God. And her prayers answered the need for the nation. In the New Testament, we see Anna the widow never left the temple but worshipped night and day fasting and praying in the temple. And she saw the child Jesus who was to bring redemption to all mankind.
We will be wasting our infertility if we do not use this sorrow to learn to pray. The barren fields of infertility are the training grounds of prayer. The wars of God are fought on bended knees. As we pray for our own pain God will teach us to cry out for the pain of others. In deep sorrow let us learn to commune with the only one who can answer our cries.
5. You will not waste your infertility if you are strengthened in your faith
Peter writes “Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold, which can be destroyed, is tested by fire; and so your faith, which is much more precious than gold, must also be tested, so that it may endure. “(I peter 1:6, 7) Faith is tested by trials.
Even though it is hard to understand why a good father will not give me what I ask of Him, we understand that he loves us and that all things work together for good to those who love him.
When I believe that God has ordained infertility in this season of my life, I will be able to trust him of the outcome. My faith on Him will let me accomplish his purposes. My faith becomes strong along with Abraham who did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God (Rom 4:20)
6. You will not waste your infertility if you live a blameless life
Many sins thrive in the barren lands of childlessness and Envy is one. Envy is the resentment we feel when another person receives a blessing we desire.
Envy is felt when someone conceives easily or has a stress free pregnancy. When someone is able to afford a treatment and we can’t. When a friend has healthy baby and ours is not. And Envy never comes alone. He brings malice, backbiting, bitterness and division with him .But James 3:16 say “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” Bitterness will not allow our relationships with others to thrive.
How can we escape these ruthless sins? When the disciples of John the Baptist came and told him that Jesus was having more followers ,John answered, “A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven. “(John 3:27) The only remedy for envy is to believe that every perfect gift is from above. If I look at the face of my kind heavenly father my earthly comparisons will grow dim!
When envy creeps into my heart, I remind myself of God’s precious promises and take heart. I ask the father to help me live a holy life. May we be righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord’s commands and decrees blamelessly like Elisabeth and Zechariah! (Luke 1:6)
7. You will not waste your infertility if you have joy
James encourages us to consider it pure joy, whenever we face trials of many kinds. James (1:3) But is Joy possible? It is not only possible but also necessary.
One of the oft repeated commands is to rejoice!
After we had waited for a child for almost a year I started losing my Joy. I was depressed. I would spend entire nights weeping. And then God spoke to me through the
parable of the sower. In explaining the parable Jesus says the thorns that choked the seeds are the worries of this life .And those seeds did not bear fruit. For the first time in my life, I realized that sorrow could drive me away from God.
Sometimes the pain of infertility blinds us .Our earthly sorrow makes us neglect spiritual disciplines. We must take heed that even though it is ok to mourn; nothing and not even infertility should separate us from the love of Christ! And he will give us beauty for ashes and the oil of joy Instead of mourning. Therefore I say to you again rejoice!!
8. You will not waste your infertility if you set your face as a flint
Sadly in infertility many laughs at us and say cruel things about our situation. Some people like to provoke us until we cry. But in these situations we must see Jesus who never reacted when he was accused. Isaiah prophesied about Jesus “I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard; I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting. But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. “(Isaiah 50:7 ESV)
To set our face like a flint means to control or not show emotions when insulted. Become a thick skinned rhinoceros. This gentle animal has a thick but sensitive skin .So the rhino loves to soak itself in the mud which protects its skin from the strong sun and wards off irritating bugs. To develop a thick skin we must clothe ourselves with humility. A humble woman can never be insulted. Jesus said “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
9. You will not waste your infertility if you embrace the sisterhood
Sisterhood is the close relationship among women based on shared experiences. In times of a deep sorrow, it can be helpful to seek others who have walked this path longer than us. They know the bumps on this road .They will be able to share their own experience and the comfort they received from the lord. In times of deep distress a friend who has walked this road will be a good guide. Let us remember to also encourage the women who are just starting out on this journey. I am grateful to God for the many friends and mentors who comforted me on the hard days. Their words were like a healing balm.
10. You will not waste your infertility if you build a strong bond with your husband
Use this time to strengthen your marriage, so that if God gives you children in the future you would already have a loving nest ready for them. Study the bible together. Enjoy impromptu times of prayer together! Cultivate a hobby like gardening or pets! Practice hospitality! Let your home be a place where tired hearts are healed. Involve in a ministry that God calls you to. Misunderstandings and deep hurts are common in this journey. Let us love one another deeply. May our father alone be glorified in our lives.
*The title is inspired by John Pipers article “Don’t waste your cancer!”
About me
I am Ruth Thaveedhu from chennai. An engineer by profession my deepest passion is to know the word of God .After years of infertility God has given me two boys who bring me much joy and happiness.
Email: ruthhere@gmail.com
Phone: 9884813140 /9791665717
-Ruth Thaveedhu
