Violence has become one of the most wide spread, pervasive threats to families today. Even Christian families are plagued with this evil. Violence, right from wife battering to child abuse exists in the church set up. The tragedy is that it is almost always treated as a very private family matter and people outside the family circle are reluctant to interfere and help. More often than not, the community pretends not to notice. For fear of public ridicule and also because of a false sense of family pride, the victims prefer to remain silent. It is this silence that is destroying our children today and eating at the very fabric of our family life. The church’s unwillingness to confront violence reflects our inability as a church to help those in pain and agony and indicates a situation so complex that it renders us paralyzed and useless.
In this article we shall deal specifically with violence against children in families – also referred to as ‘Child Abuse’, The following illustrations indicate six different types of abuse.
a) 14 year old Rajesh’s father asks him to deliver a note to a family friend in the morning. Rajesh puts the note in his pocket and forgets all about it. That afternoon, at the lunch table the father learns that Rajesh has failed to carry out his instruction. Rajesh is seated on his father’s left. The father (supposedly a mature Christian and an elder in his church) gets up and in a fit t of temper slaps Rajesh across his face more than once. Rajesh, his mother and sister leave the table and walk away in disgust.
b) Prabhat’s overworked mother gets easily irritated. When annoyed by him she frequently mutters, “Why did I ever have children?”” This, she says not to Prabhat directly but makes sure that he hears it.
c) Monisha has brought her mark list home from school. Her grades are average. Her father starts comparison between her performance and that of her friend who tops the class. “How I wish you could be like …. instead of being so worthless and stupid. We’ve invested so much in you but you thoroughly disappoint us.”
d) 13 year old Reena’s parents are entertaining a newly- wed couple. One of the guests asks Reena to bring out her guitar and sing for them. She falls in line with the request and is complimented on her performance. Her father says, “Do you know that this is all she can do? I wish she would be as interested in her studies. She is a good for nothing, stupid, empty- headed girl.” Tears well up in Reena’s eyes and she runs back to her room.
e) 13 year old Seema’s uncle comes to visit. She is lying down in her bed and reading a book. He comes and sits on the bed, takes the book away from her and tries to kiss and fondle her.
f) Young Ravi walks into the backyard of his house at night where his parents and a few others seem to be engaged in some kind of satanic ritual. He sees and hears unspeakable, unmentionable evil. He can’t believe that his parents could be so awful. His father threatens him with dire consequences if he disclosed what he saw to anyone.
Analysis of the illustrations:
Case A – Physical Abuse – Rajesh’s father is obviously a strict disciplinarian who certainly does not believe in sparing the rod. The Christian perspective of discipline is positive teaching, given in godly love that helps a child grow in a healthy, godly manner. It involves enforcing of rules and responsibilities to be maintained in the home. Parents also need to function as role models. In Rajesh’s case the punishment inflicted has crossed the thin boundary line between discipline and physical abuse accompanied by violence, rage and temper. This can go to any length – kicking any part of the anatomy, gagging of the mouth, binding with a rope or string, severe beating, breaking of bones, burns inflicted with scalding water, cigarette butts and so forth withholding food for a long time. Physical abuse is often accompanied by verbal abuse, causing unspeakable damage to the victim.
Case B – Psychological Abuse: Prabhat’s mother deliberately uses negative coercion to inhibit the natural, healthy growth of his self- image. Children subjected to this abuse grow up feeling unwanted worthless and develop a deep- seated feeling of insecurity and inferiority complex.
Case C – Emotional Abuse: Monisha’s feeling of self -worth is being constantly degraded. Emotional abuse is closely related to psychological abuse. Unfair comparison with a classmate makes her feel small and verbal battering that involves such terms as “worthless” and ‘stupid’” belittles her further. A child constantly subjected to such treatment becomes an emotional wreck.
Case D – Verbal Abuse : Reena’s father subjects her to insult and hurt in the presence of his guests. The strong, hurting words he uses, amount to verbal abuse. This also indicates an attempt to dominate a weaker person through aggressive verbal statements. Verbal abuse is also often accompanied by physical and psychological abuse.
Case E – Sexual Abuse: The behaviour of Seema’s uncle is most unwelcome. Any kind of intimate physical contact that occurs outside accepted norms of behaviour would be termed as sexual abuse. This may involve a parent or a relative and child or any adult and young person. There are cases of children being sexually abused by their own parents, siblings or close relatives.
Case F – Ritual Abuse: This is characterised by unbelievable violence and unspeakable heinous acts, mostly perpetrated by religious or satanic cults, secret societies. politically based groups or by individuals or families as in Ravi’s case. In familial ritual abuse children get so exposed to abuse for a long time and adapt to it because they have no other option for survival.
Consequences: Children learn aggressive behaviour by watching others use violence to their advantage and imitating what they have seen. This modelling’ becomes a very powerful learning tool. Reinforced modelled behaviour becomes a part of the child’s life. Thus, the unthinkable becomes thinkable and the undoable doable. It is often seen that the victims of child abuse either become perpetrators of violence when they grow up or total emotional and psychological wrecks. Young boys who watch their mothers being beaten by their father often grow up feeling, that is the only way to assert themselves.
There is this case of a young western teenager who is undergoing treatment in a hospital that specialises in the care of troubled youth. Pete (not his real name) was sexually abused by his father when he was five years old till his parents got divorced two years later. At age eleven, he tried to molest his five year old sister. Then again when he was fifteen, he repeated the act. His mother had to call the sheriff’s office to put him in juvenile detention. Here we see that Pete and his sisters have been terribly hurt by the family’s abusive pattern. In Pete’s case we see that the victim has become a perpetrator.
Factors behind abuse:
– Addiction to alcohol and substance abuse.
– Financial problems or job related stress.
– Prolonged physical and mental illness.
– Spiritual, emotional and social immaturity.
– Lack of parental love during childhood.
– Very poor example set by parents.
– Abuse suffered as a child
– Strained relationship with spouse.
– Inability to cope with demands of parenting.
– Involvement with cults or secret societies.
How do we recognise abuse?
Ø Any discipline that turns into harsh punishment accompanied by unreasonable violence, rage or neglect has to be checked out
Ø An abused child is often insecure. His or her behaviour may turn erratic. There is an element of great fear in the mind of the child.
Ø His or her performance in school deteriorates. The child may become withdrawn and aloof.
Ø There is an element of deep self -loathing in the child specially the one who is being sexually abused.
Ø An abused child may also take to violence and crime.
Ø There can be injury marks on the body of the child.
HOW CAN GOD’S PEOPLE HELP?
Ø When abuse is suspected, the victim must be encouraged to talk and confide in a mature adult Christian. Their story is almost always true.
Ø Check out any kind of behaviour whether it is excessive and violent, having overstepped limits.
Ø Responsible adults who suspect abuse in a given situation, have a moral responsibility to step in and even seek legal help if required.
Ø The church can reach out to the under privileged families and draw them into fellowship.
Ø One needs to be aware of the fact that violence and abuse can be part of any family, not withstanding how they appear on the outside.
Ø Pastors, youth leaders, Sunday school teachers, choir Directors and other church workers need to be trained to look for signs of family violence and to respond when they see them.
Ø Forming support groups to help families in distress.
Ø Finally, it is only through witnessing to God’s great love and healing presence that the people of God can bring these hapless victims of abuse out of their hell.
A PRAYER
Dear father in heaven, I thank you for giving me the privilege of being a parent. My children are your precious gifts to me. I offer them to you. Please help me to do my best for them by way of loving them. caring for them, providing for them and leading them to you. Forgive me for the times I might have caused them hurt. Help me to discipline them in Godly love. It is my longing that they grow up to be people after your own heart. In Jesus name I ask this.
Amen.
-Esther Jeyachandran
