Maybe, many of us are not entrusted with physically disabled children, But, some of us have had challenging children. Who are the challenging children? They are the strong- willed children. Here are some of the characteristic features of a challenging child – stubborn, impulsive, disobedient, defiant, bossy, bold, aggressive, reckless, disruptive, disorganized, clumsy, talkative, restless and unpredictable. All children exhibit these characteristics at one time or the other. But when a child exhibits all of these features or most of them with a greet deal of regularity, then the child is a challenging child.
They are very active. They rarely stay with anyone or anything for very long. The strong- willed child needs to be told something several times before it sinks in. The highly distractible child is very difficult to parents. They may be persistent to get what they want. They just don’t give up until they get their way.
The challenging children do not adapt well to even minor changes and are deeply unhappy when they are expected to adjust their behaviour pattern or schedules. They are frequently in bad mood. Negative reactions are seen more often than positive ones. They are overly sensitive to everything- weather, noise, taste……you name it.
The biggest problem that the parents of challenging children face is not the problem that their children create but the problem within themselves. They go through guilt, embarrassment, inadequacy, isolation, lack of satisfaction, fear and disappointment and they spend a greet deal of time trying to figure out “why”. They feel that something they have done has caused their child’s problems. They tend to compare themselves with parents of children who are sailing smooth. When a strong- willed child throws a tantrum, it is very embarrassing for parents. All eyes seem to be upon them. Because the solution to the challenging child’s’ problems are often complex and takes time to implement, waves of inadequacy often wash over the parents. After all in society parents are being measured by their child’s performance. If they are not measuring up the society thinks that it is the parent’s faults. The challenging child is always trying to foil, baffle and defeat his/her parents. He/She is always looking for ways to exert his/her own will. Fighting this battle of will on a daily basis can wear down even the most energetic of parents.
Although the challenging, difficult or strong -willed child is hard to raise, he/she is normal. Yes, they may make a parent feel guilty, inadequate and angry, but they can become worthwhile, positive and creative adults. Therefore, the parents of challenging children must remind themselves of these facts constantly.
One way to cope with such a child is to accept the child and the temperament and work on solving the problems. Accepting our children’s imperfections does not mean doing nothing to help them change.
Thomas and Pamela have four kids. Their second son Michael is a very strong- willed child. But Pamela is a remarkable and resourceful person with great fortitude and common sense. Since Michael was a baby, she has worked systematically and tirelessly to shape his will and channelise his creative energies. She has had her moments of frustration and despair. Her husband Thomas is very supportive of her, gently helping their son wherever he needed to. Very often her eyes used to be filled tears as she received, yet another call from school because of something Michael had done. But as days and years roll by, Michael is progressing. He is blossoming into a young man of great charm. Pamila is still working with him in a few areas.
Secondly, avoid comparisons. Each child is unique in his/her strengths, potential limitations and temperament. Generally speaking, comparison can be unproductive.
Shaping a strong- willed child is a process. So, parents need to recognize, the progress the child is making towards the desired goal. They need to take time to look back and see how far they have come. Caroline and her husband regularly share with their friends who have been praying for them, of the many positive changes that have happened in their relationship with Kevin who is now 11 years old. Kevin has become gentler his school work and social behaviour have greatly improved; he is more self -disciplined them before. He can apologize when he makes a mistake.
Parents of challenging children need to have the pipeline going to God moment by moment. They need God’s special patience, wisdom, understanding and strength. Can we accept our challenging children with faith in God and with hope in the future?
