“Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. (Exodus 20: 12 NKJV) Is it a forgotten commandment?
The word honour is a loaded word and does not merely mean respect. It includes various godly attributes like love, compassion, care, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, involvement, duty etc.
Caregiving is truly an opportunity to display what we believe about human dignity. Furthermore, it puts God’s love on display, however imperfectly, to a world that desperately needs it. “Love is patient and love is kind . . . Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things”
(1 Cor. 13:4, 7).
My husband and I took care of my 86 year old aunt (father’s younger sister) who was then living alone and we thought it was safer for her to move into our home. As she was healthy, strong and mobile she was quite independent and managed well with domestic helpers. We were working in another city doing what the Lord had called us to do but we kept in touch with her very often on the phone and visited her twice a year, whenever we got leave. When she became frail and weak, quite incapable to manage on her own, we shifted our base to be with her in our home. We needed to make this sacrifice to care for her, as she had also been having frequent falls. Our life was completely altered once we shifted to care for her, as our time was no longer ours and our schedules were put on hold.
Vacations and outings became impossible, while even simple tasks like shopping or going out to dinner became a huge challenge. Just as small child requires time, attention, and supervision, aunty too, when she reached the last stages of life, required the same care that a toddler would require. Everything in life began to revolve around her. We reminded ourselves that when we were helpless babes and gradually grew up to become, boys and girls, our parents and extended family members did everything for us lovingly, willingly and sacrificially. Is it not our turn to care for them when they are old? As Aristophanes said: ‘Old age is but a second childhood.’ In other words, it’s right and good for us as adult children to look back on all the years of what our parents gave. Our endless needs were met in the helpless early years by caring parents. We should look back and feel same sense of indebtedness to them.
It was a major transition for her from being very independent person, to becoming so dependent on others for everything. Transition was taking place on our side too. When your first child is born, you wish the hospital sent you home with an instruction booklet —– The same is true when you begin the journey of helping your aging parents or relatives.
She was mentally alert and her old memories were intact. There were problems and weakness in her legs which reduced her mobility. As years rolled by, she was diagnosed as having a serious heart problem, at which point she needed total care.
Loss of independence was very upsetting for her and her self- esteem was gradually sinking. She needed help in her routine activities like brushing, bathing, dressing, cleaning, feeding etc.
We realised that she felt embarrassed and even humiliated when we her family did these simple things for her. Our goal was to protect her dignity. So, we employed a full time attendant to take care of all her needs. Though homebound she insisted daily, that she was dressed neatly, had her hair groomed properly, always wanting to look pleasant and presentable. Therefore, we just monitored the attendant, who did all these things for her, also ensuring that her bed, her room and belongings were kept clean and tidy, exactly as she preferred. It was so hard for us to see the once active, vibrant aunt of ours becoming so subdued.
We realised that extraordinary patience was required because her waking time, eating time etc were different from our routine schedule. At times, when watching the finishing moment of an interesting cricket or badminton match on TV, or completing the cooking in the kitchen, she would call me with a simple request to adjust her pillow or something quite trivial. At such moments, my patience would run very thin and would feel a tinge of irritation or frustration within, but afterwards, a wave of guilt would crash over me. One or two things helped us a lot. Realizing that the care we give at home and in the hospital during her hospitalisation might be the same, except the huge difference is, at hospital the staff do it as their duty to patients but at home we needed to give the same care with love and kindness.
My aunty had been an excellent cook and was an expert in making a variety of tasty food. As she became old, she could not cook anymore but she longed for tasty food. Because of her health conditions, her heart had become weak and pulse rate was low, doctors had prescribed a diet with less salt, less sugar and less fatty/oily food which tasted very bland for her. She longed for rich spicy food, ice cream, sweet desserts etc. which had to be restricted and instead we ensured simple nutritious meals, with adequate fruits and vegetables, only occasional treats, which she did not relish much.
At times we needed to be peace makers. The attendant would complain about aunty, her demands, expectations unwillingness to cooperate. Similarly, aunt would express her grievances against the helper. We had to be a mediator between aunty, and the caregiver. A kind word or compliment used to go a long way. Hard and firm decisions had to be made to provide the best care for her which was not easy but though practise and prayer, we gained the needed balance.
There had been times when I felt hurt, though she did not do or say anything intentionally to hurt me. But at those times I did not let my emotions or stress and tension overtake me or cry in front of her but remained calm and strong. In my own privacy allowed myself to cry and release my hurts and tension. The emotional impact of caring for elderly parent/relative can, often-times, feel insurmountable like a tsunami and seem overwhelming. But there are great sources of strength to be found in the middle of the storm. Certainly, God’s grace and strength carried us through. When we looked beyond our challenges as caregivers to the God who cares for us, we could experience joy even in the middle of a tough situations. By reading the scripture we were greatly encouraged. My brother and sister- in- law who were taking care of my mother in their home nearby, friends and prayer partners, were sources of tremendous support.
It was not easy when we had to bring up difficult topics with aunty, like her finances, the need to install a pace maker, as per her doctor’s opinion, etc. Yet we discussed these issues with her, helped with wisdom from above, with the aim to understand both her words and the emotions that she expressed. More and more we acknowledged the fact that we had limited knowledge, ability and energy. We did rely on His power working through us instead of just on our own efforts. God is a God of love and justice and we let Him take care of various issues that sometimes we could not handle and kept trusting Him to help in every situation. He ordered our steps, as well as our stops and vindicated us when there was the possibility of us being misunderstood about the motives with which we looked after our aunt.
She enjoyed having visitors from her church, her old friends, colleagues and relatives because that gave her a chance to talk about old times.
We made sure that we had our daily devotional time with her during which time my husband played the guitar and we could sing together. We kept encouraging her to pray about all of her needs, trusting God to ultimately meet them, through us as well as through others whom God brings as His instruments.
One other aunty of ours was in a Christian home for senior citizens because of age and failing eye sight, she faced a lot of difficulties with home attendants. This facility provided her excellent support, especially here the medical needs and supervision of the elderly far exceed the capacity of us adult children. This aunt was comfortable with the love and care in our home and enjoyed the familiar surroundings and familiar voices which were antidotes for loneliness and social isolation.
Are we ready to make sacrifices for our parents and senior loved ones? Or are we resentful that they are becoming a burden? That’s the real test. The main issue for the Christian child of aging family members, is not the current circumstances, but fulfilling our God–given responsibilities towards them.
