June 21st, 1997, Saturday began for me as a normal happy day like any other day. My husband went for his work – he was then working in Christian Medical College Hospital, Vellore, as a civil engineer after his voluntary retirement from the Government. I had gone to attend a retreat in Ida Scudder School Vellore-where I was formerly employed as teacher for 17 years (1976-1993) I resigned from Ida Scudder School because God gave me a desire and burden to work among the Narikuravas and ragpickers. My husband was a strong support in my endeavour and I started my work among these underprivileged people in 1993 June and the ministry was named as “Karunai Illam ministry” (Mercy Home) Our Church congregation supported this work through prayer and finance. Every day, in this new venture, was a challenge. I was thoroughly enjoying the work among these poor people- cleaning them, demonstrating to them the basics of hygiene, teaching them the fundamental things, providing them a nutritious diet at least once a day, providing some form of medical aid and sharing Christs’ love with them. I could experience God’s guidance and strength tremendously and many of our prayers for others were being answered. I was praying so fervently that both of us should work more for Him.
On June 21st, 1997, as I was attending the retreat, I received a phone call around 12 noon saying that my husband had met with a scooter accident. They didn’t give me all the details. But as I reached the hospital, I was shocked. My husband had severe head injuries and was in a state of coma. The doctors gave up hope but kept him in the intensive care unit and he was being closely monitored.
Hundreds of friends began to pray for the healing touch of God. They were with me and supported me in all possible ways. I hoped that my husband would recover from his coma and the process of healing would start. But on 23rd night God called my husband, Paul, to his heavenly Home.
The trauma was devastating and the pain was intensive. I felt crushed emotionally and spiritually as if I had been run over by a cement lorry. His death was so sudden that I could not bear it. There was no warning of impending disaster and no signal of distress. It had happened so quickly that there was no preparation, not even a thought that his life would be snuffed out.
My mind was a jumble of confusions, questions and shocked disbelief. I was angry that God had not answered my prayers and the prayers of hundreds of other people. The Lord who had answered so many of my prayers, seemed to have abandoned me.
My immediate response to this tragedy was “why me”, somehow I felt singled out. I wondered whether God was punishing me for some sin I had committed. Our two sons, Thilak and Benjamin then 30 and 28 also felt very helpless because they had lost their mentor. I am thankful to God for so many relatives and friends who sympathised with me and prayed for me and my sons.
For sometime I was unable to pray and read God’s word. Just at that time, Vidyalayam, a primary school run for CMC employees’ children was going through a crisis and they were in need of a principal. So, the members of the Executive committee approached me and asked me whether I could take charge of Vidyalayam. As I was unable to think clearly at that time, I told them I could give a reply only after two months.
Over the next few days, as I was faced with a major decision. I started waiting upon the Lord. Initially decision-making was very difficult for me. I had been so dependent on my husband who showered me with all kinds of suggestions and ideas. He had been a great source of strength and had been with me through all my ups and downs. Soon after his death, when I was faced with this decision, in my helplessness, I was forced to completely depend on my Heavenly Father to let me guide me and show me His will for my future. Slowly I came to realise that God was in control of everything and He was with me. When I began to depend entirely on Him, He sent me the right people to help me and guide me.
I poured out my grief, my feelings of disillusionment, my uncertainties about the future, my fears and anguish to God. As I drew closer to God, I began to learn certain very valuable lessons. I understood that I can come to God as I am with all my doubts questions and anger. I understood that God is big enough to take anything that I dish out. His self- image is never going to be damaged by my questions. He stayed with me through my questioning times and I could experience His unconditional love.
I also learnt that God has a plan in letting me go through the pain, II Cor. 1:3-4 says “What a wonderful God we have. He is the father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them the same help and comfort God has given us”, (Living Bible). My pilgrimage thro’ suffering is surely not fruitless. It is teaching me how to reach out and truly identify with the reality of other people’s situation. God is using my pain and crisis to transform me into a more sensitive and caring person with something to offer to another bereaved, I feel humbled to think that thro’ all this, I might become a more useful channel for God’s love.
Looking for reasons for every problem is not always productive. Life can go on even though we may not know all the explanations for our pain. Life is full of ambiguity and paradox. A certain degree of mystery will always be attached to God. God is infinite, endless and unlimited. We finite human beings will never in this life fully understand an infinite God. Only when we reach heaven will we know God’s purposes more completely. But one thing is certain – God will be present in the midst of all our swirling storms of unanswered questions.
I also realised that no one else in the universe knows more about me and what is best for me, than God my creator. God never makes a mistake. My crisis is an opportunity for God to reveal to me His love and kindness by bringing good out of the situation.
Even though I remained close to God, I was always scared to ask God for His will to be done in my life as I thought, immediately God will send some disaster in my life. Through this painful personal loss in my life God strengthened me not to fight against His will but embrace it.
After getting a clear guidance from God, I agreed to look after Vidyalayam school and I also requested that one day mid- week be given for me for visiting my centres in Karunai Illam project. Now there are four centres in and around Vellore. About 100 children are attending school and many adults have also put their trust in Christ. There are three full time workers working in three centres daily. God has strengthened me and filled me with His joy. His grace has beautifully sustained me that my burden/ pain has not paralysed my progress. It’s a sheer joy to see God’s kingdom being built among these neglected people in society, I would like to conclude with the verse from a song,
“I thank God for the mountains and I thank Him for the Valleys.
And I thank Him for the storms He’s brought me through.
For if I never had a problem, I wouldn’t know my God could solve them.
I’d never know what faith in God could do”.
– Mrs. Jean Jepagnanam