Raising a child is a delicate business. Parents can hurt their children without realising it. They could leave children with wounds and hurts that they would carry all their lives. On the other hand, Parents can bless their kids with a beautiful gift-the gift of knowing that they are were loved, given importance and would always be respected as unique persons. This is what is called as high self-esteem. It is a healthy, positive appreciation of oneself, a self-confidence that allows a person to succeed and, if necessary to cope with failure. It’s accepting oneself just the way God created you and enjoy what He is doing in and thru’ your life.
Not all children grow up with positive image of themselves. In fact, many children develop a strong negative feeling about themselves, a sense of inferiority which haunts them the rest of their lives. They grow up in home where the plague of low esteem infects each member leaving scars of unfulfilled relationships and personal frustration.
The most important factor in developing a positive self image is how child is treated by his/her parents during the first few years of his/her life. How can we build the child?
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE:
A child develops a healthy self esteem if parents accept the child as he/she is from a very young age. The obvious foundational block is unconditional love. Children need the unconditional love, the same kind of love that God has for us as parents. They need to know, without a doubt that nothing will ever change that commitment of love. Parents need to love the kids for who they are and not for what they do.
Communicating love by our actions is the most affective way to make sure our children feel loved. We can love our children by maintain eye contact. For e.g, a small baby lying in the arms of the parents and looking up at their smiling faces, feel secure and cared for. We must make an effort to look at their eyes, at their school papers, at their play creations, and at everything that means something to them. Similarly small kids need a lot of physical contact- a hug, a kiss, a pat on the shoulder,……… Each child is different. Some need more physical contact than others. Repardless of whether a child needs a dol or a little, every child needs enough to feel cared for. They also need focused attention. Parents need to spend time alone with the child and give the undivided attention to the child.
Children need the security that ‘constant’ love brings. They need to be free to try their wings, free to fail, free even to rebel knowing that the love of their parents is unwavering. This love is like a solid rock foundation that cannot be moved by earthquake or flood or fire. This love would build a child.
DEVELOP THEIR TALENTS:
A child’s self esteem often depends on the talents, abilities and skills he/she has. Each kid is unique with strengths/ abilities, needs and limitation. We need to spend time with our kid to discover their special abilities and encourage them to develop these skills. To discover their talents, it is best to provide wide exposure to our kids. . Some parents may focus on developing children’s athletic abilities. Some may expose them to art work, crafts etc., Some parents provide them with exposure to drama and dance classes. Let parents provide opportunities to learn themselves and to experiment with variety of activities from the arts to athletics. Yes, parents are to be sensitive to the special talents and gifts of the child and then capitalise on them so that the child develops them to the utmost. Thus, the child feels special and this feeling enables him/her to do the best in their gifted areas. Parents need to help them to do activities which they can and want to do, not what parents want them do. The goal is for them to be good at something, to develop feelings of competence and worth. Let’s realise and accept that their areas may not be those that are liked or valued by us.
As parents let’s use their success to enhance their self- esteem, but let’s not allow them to “think more highly of themselves then they ought to think” (Rom 12:3) This aspect must be handled with great care.
What about kids who are physically unattractive? What about slow learners? In far too many cases, the children assume they are inferior. They suffer at the hands of their peers and rarely develop to their full potential.
One of the ways we could help such special kids are to recognise that God created and loves them. This is true of every person in the world; whether we are fat or thin, tall or short; dark or fair; smart or. naïve; quick and bright or slow to learn, God loves us. When we parents remember that, we will be able to communicate the same self -worth to unattractive kids or difficult kids. Let’s remember the fact that God loves our child with all her/his special qualities just as she/he is. Also encourage them to do the best with what they have and try to be patient with there kids.
AFFIRM AND ENCOURAGE:
A father went to watch the foot ball match in which his 11year old son played. During the course of the play, Pradeep who was a goaler, let a couple of goals slip by. He felt so miserable and was condemning himself mercilessly. His father agreed that it was too bad that the goals went by, but he reminded him of the several spectacular steps he made. He pointed out that it would have been very difficult for anyone to stop the ones he missed because they were kicked so high.
What did the father do? He affirmed his playing ability and did not make his personal worth rest on whether he gained or lost a particular point. Secondly the father did not build into him a feeling of guilt by a fault- finding attitude.
Many parents are reluctant to give their children affirmation and encouragement. They think that if they praise the children too much, the children will become conceited or proud. Some parents think that the child will be satisfied with the present achievement itself and will not want to improve or grow. These parents think that it is their God- given duty is to always hold up a higher standard and strive for excellent and they point out failures or move the top rung of the ladder up a few inches higher each time. They assume that they are motivating the children to improve.
They may prove themselves to be wrong. Instead of motivating their children, they maybe creating in them an overwhelming sense of despair. All their goals seem unattainable; all their standards unattainable. A child might think, “I can never do anything right. No matter how hard I try I cannot please my mother or father; so why should I try?” Feeling as if the situation is hopeless, the discouraged child might give up. This kid might feel personally unacceptable for not having pleased his parents.
Does this mean parents should never suggest improvement? Of course not. The secret is in the timing. Let’s first affirm the present achievement; notice the little effort, recognise the progress the child has made. Affirm the child in any area that is important to him/her – academics, sports, extra -curricular activity. Let’s be interested in what our children have accomplished and give ample recognition and praise. Let them know that their parents appreciate what they have done. We can share their success with others. This is not obnoxious boasting but sharing our delight at what we are seeing in our children. Then, if necessary, help the child see ways to improve.
One parent remained “If I had my children to raise again I would criticize less and complement more.”
Parents we need to watch for moments to encouragement. A simple “well done”, “That was kind of you” “I was provide of you” can make a lot of difference to a child. We could appreciate/ praise a child in so many areas – For accepting a ‘No’ from us with a good grace; sharing and helping willingly; showing gentleness to someone; coping with something he/she found hard without a fuss; being thoughtful; owning up when the kid did something wrong and saying sorry on his/her own accord; treating others politely especially when the kid is interrupted during their favourite T.V. Programme; The list can go on; we can appreciate them on many areas.
Just like flowers open up in the sun, children blossom in the atmosphere of encouragement.
LET CHILDREN BE CHILDREN:
We Parents need to evaluate our own expectation for our children. Are we requiring too much so that they feel as if they are constantly failing? Are we forcing child into something for which the child does not have an aptitude or potential or capability? Or are we pushing them into something for which they are not yet ready? When a child’s gifts, talents, abilities are not what the parents desired, some parents have problems accepting the fact. There parents have to reorient their thinking about what they expect of their child. It can be a real inner struggle. To solve their problem, parents need to go to God in prayer, calling on Him to help them become unconditional lovers of their children. Our children are not persons to be molded or manipulated into what we want, but persons to be helped to develop into what God wants.
No matter how hard parents try, they won’t be able to change a child’s limitations into abilities. Lecturing the kid will accomplish nothing.
A mother expected her son to become a full-time worker in God’s ministry. But he did not have the inclination or the desire that is needed. She forced him to enter into seminary. What happened? Eventually she had a very unhappy, unfulfilled son. Also, because she made her son into something for which he had no desire, there was a strained relationship between the mother and the son.
Forcing a child into doing something for which he/she does not possess the ability would affect his self -image. He/she feels that he/she can never satisfy the parents and see himself/herself as a failure. The child would see very little purpose in life and life takes on negative connotations.
Parents need to first analyse themselves. Are we perfectionists and thus overly critical of our children’s accomplishments? Do we constantly harp on them to do better even in areas where they are already doing well? Do we compare them to others and make them feel guilty for not measuring up?
Only God knows us and our children completely. He can help us to build our children develop into what He wants them to be.
