Marriage is one of God’s most wonderful gifts to mankind. It is a treasure worth working on, cherishing and sustaining. His instructions are as valid today as ever. When we buy a new appliance or tool, it’s common to see on the outside of the box: “Some assembly required. Instructions inside.” Of course, many of us don’t bother with the instructions. We just put together the item as best we can. And sometimes that works. But if it doesn’t, we have to go back and read the directions to find out what we did wrong. As the old saying goes, “If all else fails, read the directions.”

When it comes to putting together a marriage, many couples have used the same approach. They do it without bothering to read the instructions. Sadly, the result is that many marriages aren’t working. Husbands and wives find that they can’t live together in peace. Because couples don’t read or heed the instructions, marriages are failing at abysmally high rates.

In Genesis 2: 24 & 25 we learn the outline of marriage as established by God. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” Let’s examine this outline more closely.

A. The Understanding the concept of leaving:

1. Azab (Hebrew): to leave, loose, forsake. We must loosen or relinquish that priority position of commitment and previously given to parents in order to give that position to the spouse.

2. The responsibility is on the husband in the first place to give pre-eminence to his wife because a wife’s sense of security comes from being bonded to her husband.

Leaving father and mother does not mean that a man ceases to honour his parents; that is the abiding obligation of the fifth commandment, but in terms of provision, direction, consolation, comfort and security his marriage is a brand new beginning.

Not only children but parents must understand this too. If parents want their children to have good marriages, they must earnestly discipline themselves not to interfere with their children’s marriages.

B. The Principle of Cleaving

1. Dabaq (Hebrew): to cling, cleave, keep close – ‘glue’. Sense of royalty and affection. Kollao (Greek): to join fast together, to glue, cement.

2. Cleaving means to bond as husband and wife.

3. Intimacy in marriage cannot develop or be maintained without the understanding of leaving and cleaving. Loving relationships must be nurtured. They require effort. Love is care and consideration directed toward another person, not just an ethereal emotion over which we have no control.

4. Intimacy requires:

a. Time – both quantity and quality

b. Understanding and acceptance of the fact that the marriage relationship is the primary focus of attention and emotional energy.

c. Regular communication.

d. Exposure of inner thoughts and feelings: A marriage exhibiting this godly bond is characterized by two people who are willing to listen and talk about their differences or problems in a spirit of humility.

e. Sharing heart to heart

This will only happen when a safe relationship has developed as a result of leaving and cleaving.

5. When a husband’s mother poses a problem (particularly her marriage is not meeting her needs or if her son is an only child), the husband must have a loving, but frank talk with his mother. He must make it clear that his wife comes first in his affections and that his mother must respect his wife’s position in his life.

6. If the wife’s mother is a problem then the wife must have a similar talk with her mother.

Common problems in leaving and cleaving:

a. Man puts career/job in higher priority than wife.

b. Woman puts children in higher priority than husband.

c. More activities, responsibilities, stress/ pressures, and demands on time.

– Desires – friends – hobbies – activities; – Actions speak louder than words!

C. Principle of becoming one flesh:

1. The next principle from Genesis 2 says that a husband and wife shall become one flesh; that is, to enjoy an intimate sexual relationship with one another (Genesis 2:24; compare 1 Corinthians 6:16).

2. God intended sex to be part of the marriage relationship and that it not take place outside of marriage. Only in the married state does God permit sexual relations (Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, 1 Corinthians 18; 1 Corinthians 7:2-5). The present society seems to emphasize passion at the expense of permanence which is not scriptural.

3. God designed marriage as a sexual union, not just as a friendship or partnership of different individuals. The Bible says a wife’s body belongs to her husband and a

husbands to his wife, and Scripture commands them to give their bodies to each other and satisfy each other’s needs (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

4. Also, God designed marriage as the union of a man with a woman, not the union of a man with a man or a woman with a woman. Homosexual activity perverts Gods design; the Bible calls it detestable and unnatural (Leviticus 18:22; Romans 1:26-27).

D. Not ashamed

The last principle from God’s first guidelines for marriage reveals that Adam and Eve were naked but not embarrassed by their nakedness (Genesis 2:25).

1. Within marriage a husband and wife should feel comfortable with each other’s masculinity or femininity. But revealing too much of one’s body to other members of the opposite sex outside of marriage invites the breaking of God’s commands against lust and unlawful sexual relations.

2. Both Adam and Eve were emotionally and psychologically naked, vulnerable and open to one another. They had oneness, which is true intimacy — emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The same model also applies to us.

3. When we get married, it means there is no longer “he” and “she,” but “we.” Then there’s the blending together of all aspects of life: physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.

A few practical examples: There are three areas you can run a test on to see how you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. The first is emotional. Have you left your parents’ emotional control of your life? Are you still looking to them for support, for encouragement, and for their approval?

John as a young man of 25 years, shared with his mother a mistake that Betsy had made in their early married life. It was a minor mistake. Betsy had hurt him , but he shared it with his mom, and it was as though I had shared this grievous error, because his mother came running over to him. At that point John learned a valuable lesson.

Be careful, as a couple, what you share with your parents of how your spouse has disappointed or hurt you. You’re their son or their daughter that they will naturally move to protect. They’ve been doing that for years.

Build some boundaries around your lives, around the holidays. Determine how long you’re going to go and when you’re going to go. Also determine whose house you’re going to go to for that first Christmas or that second Christmas or successive Christmases. Use the marriage relationship that God has given you to protect one another from being manipulated or being taken advantage of or from emotionally being clobbered by parents.

Second is “decision-making.” It’s another aspect of leaving parents, which is important. Parents can be approached for advice and for wisdom. But the decision needs to be ours as a couple. We need to share the weight of that decision praying together and making the decision as a couple.