It has been said that “marriages are made in heaven, but the maintenance is up to us.” Effective maintenance depends of effective diagnosis of the problem, and the heart of the problem has always been the problem of the heart. We need to learn to deal with our fallen Adamic natures receiving the forgiveness that Jesus Christ offers us through the Cross and find our security in Him as we live in this world plagued with sin. The Christian worker is not exempt from “maintenance work” with regard to his family life. In fact he is to be all the more conscious of it as a servant of God. He is to watch his life and doctrine closely (1 Timothy 4:16) and he is to manage his children and household well (1 Timothy 3:12)
One of the greatest dangers in married life is to try and find security in your spouse. Before we get married we have the preconceived assumption that once married we will live happily ever after, for all our dreams will be fulfilled in each other. The husband says, “she will definitely understand all my burdens for the Lord’s work and she will give me all the support that I need. After all she is the best wife in the whole world!!.’ The wife says, “ I could never get a better husband. See how well he preaches. He really loves the Lord. I am sure he will love me and take care of me. He sure is the ideal man!!.” Thus, we enter marriage dreaming of an Utopian world which soon crumbles when faced with hardcore realities of day to day living. Presumptions as such are dangerous. For such presumptions of finding security and love from one another are sure to crumble since we are looking for security and love in the wrong place. Marriage can thus become a market place where we grab, bargain and even battle for security and love trying to get it from each other. True security and love can never come from imperfect sources. As believers in Christ, we need to recognise that we are saved sinners who are being made perfect. Therefore, let us learn to find our security in the right place. The only secure place to be in the whole of cosmos is in the nail pierced hands of Jesus, for He says, “See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” (Isaiah 49:16). If you have learnt to find your security in Him then you will be a given of security and love rather than be a grabber!!. Marriage will no longer be a market place but it will become a heavenly place of Love and worship, peace and Contentment till we reach our eternal home in heaven. This can revolutionise your marriage. Find your security in the Lord and He will show you the areas of insecurity and lack of love in your family and you can look to the Lord to give you the grace to meet that need. Proverbs 3:4&5 should become a reality in your life. This I believe is the Macro picture that we need to focus on and come back to over and over again. Having said that let us look into a few Micro details of expressions of love and security in our homes.
1. Do not take your wife and children for granted. Look at your wife and children as God’s gift to you. They can be the most valued source of encouragement and the best critics in your God-given ministry. Respect them, love them and thank God for them.
2. Get your wife involved in what you do by sharing in details (not in just a few lines) about the ministry. Do not presume that she knows it all or that she is not interested in what you do. Remember that your sharing with her will make her feel involved and she will soon realise that you are not doing things on your own. Spend time in talking with each other as much as possible IN DETAIL. You are called to live with your wife with understanding, and you are heirs together of the grace of life. (1 Peter 3:7).
3. As a full- time worker your ministry may involve quite a bit of travelling. In the initial stages of your married life your wife may find it difficult to stay alone while you are away. If so, ask an elder sister in Christ to stay with her while you are away or make sure some form of practical arrangement is made before you leave. Don’t be away from home for a long period of time in the initial stages of your married life. Your wife needs to get accustomed to the kind of ministry you are involved in. Adjustment takes time and so don’t be surprised if she finds it difficult in the beginning stages. In course of time she will learn to stay alone and be more confident. So be gentle.
4. Always make sure you leave the address of the place to which you are going with your wife before you leave. If there is a contact phone number, leave it with her so she can get in touch with you in case of an emergency. If you are away for a month keep communicating /write letters to your home.
5. The immediate needs of your home need to be met before you leave – specially the needed provisions, the vegetables etc. If you are out for more than a week, leave enough money in her hands to meet the demands of the home. If the toilet flush needs to be fixed, fix it before you leave. If the water tap in the kitchen is leaking, get it repaired before you leave. If the mixer has stopped working get it fixed before you leave. Don’t leave an unfixed home in the hands of a perplexed wife saying ‘you have to do God’s work and so you don’t have time.’ Remember the Bible says “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word.” (Ephesians 5:25 & 26). A sanctifying love is a love that lifts the load she is carrying, not heaping on her a greater burden but honouring her as the weaker vessel physically, doing all that you possibly can to lighten her burden. When you are at home, help in the household chores.
6. Your love for your wife should remain as fresh as it was at the time of marriage. Wives do complain that their husbands loved them so much before they got married or after they were engaged but after marriage; ‘ It seems as though all his love for me has vanished into thin air.” Proverbs 5:18 Says “let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth.’” Your wife should be your best friend and that friendship needs to be built day-by-day. Wives need loving support and understanding from their husbands especially mothers with small children. Looking after children under three years of age requires a lot of energy and patience. Give your wife a break by taking over and letting her rest. Remember birthdays and wedding anniversaries. Do something special for your wife and children during such occasions. Try and buy small gifts for your family when you are away. Explore the joy of giving.
7. Keep the home as a home. Cut down on time with your friends when you find that time with your family is being eaten up. It would be good to spend more time at home instead of running from meeting to meeting. If you are bringing visitors to stay at home, do so only with the consent of your wife. Let her know ahead of time. Don’t just bring them all home and say “they have come to stay!!!” Please don’t burden her with an endless stream of people staying for long periods of time in the home. Take your family for outings in the evening when you are at home. Try and get away from the busy schedule once a year for a holiday. Plan, pray, save and prepare for the holiday.
8. Learn to save for the future. It is not a sin to save money. “Go to the ant, you sluggard! Consider her ways and be wise, which having no captain, overseer or ruler, provides her supplies in the summer and gathers her food in the harvest.” (Proverbs 6:6,7,8). As a husband you need to care for the welfare of the family and supervise the expenditure of the financial resources. Saving is essential for there would be times of emergency in the family such as a sickness – when hospital bills need to be paid for. As a servant of God you need to be responsible for the financial needs of the home. What are the expenses for the month, plan ahead, and keep within the plans. Save money for the future.
9.Remember we need to live our sermons at home before we preach them. A child grows up by observing more than hearing. If we don’t live at home the way we preach, the whole world may be won to Christ but our own children may go into the pits of hell all because of a daddy whose voice he or she got to hear but never saw in him a life manifesting the gospel he preached. Our children see the Lord glorified and begin to appreciate Christian work when they see their fathers are not only preachers but are living epistles of the message that they preach. Psalm 90:16 – “Let your work appear to your servants, And your glory to their children.” Our younger generation is going through a wilderness experience similar to that which Israel went through during the time of the first advent of our Lord. Every servant of God needs to bend his knees in prayer desiring that Malachi 4:6 would come true. “And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, And the hearts of the children to their fathers, Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse”.
10. Do not neglect your personal time of devotion nor the family altar. Our personal time with God and the family altar are the two measures of spiritual growth. As a servant of God, one cannot afford to neglect his personal devotion. We as a family have found it a blessing to meet together in the mornings after each of our personal quiet times. My wife comes into my study along with our little daughter Esther and we kneel together beside the bed in the study room; read the daily reading from “ The Daily Light” and then each of us spend time in worship and prayer together. Beginning the day with God is such a blessed experience as a family. If our children find us alone in the room kneeling beside our bed in prayer; we may find them doing the same when they are alone. Let our nation be filled with homes as Joshua’s home….
“But as for me and my household we will serve the Lord.”
Let me close with a paraphrase of I Corinthians Ch 13 quoted by Rev Mr. Cliff Barrows (Vice chairman of the Board of Directors for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association). It’s an excellent paraphrase for the full- time worker to meditate on.
Though in the glamour of the public eye I sway the emotions of man by oratory or by my singing, or by my skilful playing – and then go home and gripe because supper is late, or because my clothes weren’t made to suit me – I am become as a sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal.
Though I am able to impress others with my vast knowledge of the deep things of the Word of God – Though I am able to accomplish mighty things through faith so that I become famous among men as a remover of mountains- and have not love that reads the deep longings of the hearts around the family circle and removes the barriers that grow up in shy, tender hearts – I am nothing.
Though in the glamour of public praise I bestow all my goods to feed the poor -Though I win the name and fame by giving my body to be burned, and yet close up like a clam at home, or behave like a snapping turtle, knowing nothing of the glory of giving myself in unstinting, self-denying service to those nearest and dearest – it profits me nothing.
Love is never impatient, but kind.
Love knows no jealousy.
Love makes no parade – gives itself no airs; is never rude; seeks not her own; does not fight for her own rights; is never resentful; never imagines that others are plotting evil against her; never broods over wrongs; never exults over the mistakes of other; but is truly gladdened by goodness.
Love is the acid test of the truly yielded life. For in all phases of Christian service there is a certain amount of glamour…. but in the home, one is confronted with the bare facts of life, stripped of all glamour.
The home is given to help every Christian not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think, and it is in the home that we have the privilege of demonstrating that the Christian life is faith which worketh by love.
And so abideth faith, hope and love…. but the greatest of these is love.”
It is good for us to ponder on these things that have been said. The Bible encourages us to think on these things (Philippians 4:8). Is there hope in the case of failure? Yes, there is.
1 John 1:9 promises us cleansing and forgiveness when we confess our known sins unto the Lord. In 1 John 1:7 we are called’ to walk in the light that God gives us day- by-day, and even our unknown sins are taken care of by His precious blood. Conscious victory over conscious sin is possible and God makes us conscious of our unconscious sins as we walk in the Light of His Word. The sinful nature is not dead in us but you and I are called to reckon ourselves dead to sin and alive unto God. (Romans 6:10,11). Victory can become a living reality in our homes. Never give up. Learn to give in to the Lord who is Faithful. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us. (Ephesians 3: 20). That power is the power of the Holy Spirit who raised Jesus Christ from the dead and He indwells every believer in Christ (Ephesians 1:17-20, 12-14).
-Elias & Anna Joseph
