I am no authority or expert on marriage being married for a short span of five years. However through this time and this union, God has met us where we were and transformed us. These years have seen us change from the people we were prior to marriage, to newlyweds , to new parents and now to a new phase of growth in God. We have both been continually changing and I expect we will continue to change more and more every day as we grow in the Lord. With this knowledge it is only natural that things change, people change, preferences change and if we do not work on understanding each other we will never be able to become one flesh as God intended us to be.
When I first got married, I had a tendency to overwork and would often be found late at night behind my laptop working on code changes; back then my husband would intervene and help me relax. These days again I find myself working late into the evenings and nights; however, in this season it is not because I am overworking but because I am trying to find the time to finish my work. If he responded in the same manner as before, this would be disruptive rather than helpful. How he knows to make me a cup of coffee instead of distracting me is because he chooses to try to understand me this phase just as he did when we were newly married.
The biggest blocker in learning about my husband has been making assumptions. We assume things based on history and prior experiences and we then fail to see what is in front of us. Years ago, I made the assumption that my husband did not like fish. It was only recently that I found out during one of our conversations that he did in fact like fish.
From the start of our marriage we communicated our needs, respected each other and sat down regularly to talk through the things that we found interesting. Not because we set out to do so but because we had made it a habit and most times these small acts were enough to keep us happy and close to each other. Different seasons of our journey has seen us bond and learn about the other in different ways; at one point this was the small talk while working out and at another time this was sitting down for a cup of coffee. The setting changed, life changed but we choose to communicate and this helped us understand the changing needs of the other person. Over time the little quirks about the other person that you discover can make you appreciate the world better and all it has to offer.
There however were times we came up against differences that seemed bigger than us. Being from different cultural backgrounds and having experienced life differently, sometimes caused us to react to situations differently. In the start we tried to resolve these problems ourselves using conventional wisdom, of sitting and talking about the problems and trying to explain our own viewpoints and biases to the other person. However, this only led to temporary truce and in some situations, we were just putting a band aid over the wound and not fixing it. Since we were happy most of the time we ignored the wounds and assumed that time would heal all wounds. However when trouble did hit, it shook us up a lot more than was necessary. We would have to heal the new wounds and at times revisit the old ones as well. This is when you have to pull out the big guns and the biggest ones we have is our connection to God.
If I had to specify one issue that we had to overcome and we were only able to with the help of God is our reaction to tardiness. I personally do not feel insulted if friends or family are late as in India this is considered normal. However in the Netherlands this is frowned upon and a meeting set at a particular time is expected to start at the given time, this includes visiting friends and family. Every time I made an appointment with friends or family and they were late for it, my husband would mention that it was considered rude and I would say it is what it is. We both ignored the perspective of the other and their culture. Something out of our control was controlling our reactions towards each other. This is until the Holy Spirit truly helped us see the other persons view. Now we still may say the same words to each other but there is an understanding and no hurt.
Through these 5 years I have learnt that if we stop learning and growing with our spouse we start to run into a lot of problems, things would seem unpredictable and difficult to understand and you start to feel more distant. Being involved and interested in each other has helped us navigate life and enjoy the journey. It is important to grow together and learn to lean on the guidance of the Holy Spirit to get you through the bad times and to praise together during the good.
