A defining moment in my faith journey dawned when I was taught to understand, “why I was required to do, what I was required to do?!” For until then, I had lived out a platitude-following-faith, not really thinking through, ‘why-I-did-what-I-did’ save a blind allegiance, a militant obedience to what the Good Book said. But today, when I know that the ten commandments are God’s ten-der commandments, caringly crafted to protect me and others from me, I follow them with joy, meaning and a healthy fear.
While we could go at length into “a practical pitfall prevention protocol” for lasting marriages, I’m certain as I write this, that other contributors would have sufficiently indulged the readers with something close. My desire therefore is to choose another track, a theological one, that I seldom see as a solution to not merely save marriages, but to revive, rejuvenate, refresh and re-create, marriages-that-matter, in a space that is so devoid of worthy role-models.
Don’t switch off yet, this is practical theology, that ought to be everyone’s cup-a- tea, because we ought to know the connection between ‘why we ought to do, what we ought to do!’ as we endeavor to examine marriage, staying married and saving marriages.
Even if one has read in a fleeting-cursory-fashion, any of the wisdom literature in the Bible, particularly Proverbs, it’s hard to miss three recurring themes – knowledge, understanding, wisdom. At various places all these individually are referred to as stemming from a ‘reverential fear of God.’ So, allow me to use these themes, clear markers of our abiding in Christ, as the template through which we look at marriage for what it ought to be.
1. Knowledge
Knowledge is the precursor to understanding and hence of paramount importance to life and living. I’ve always been intrigued by this anonymous quote about ‘not knowing’ that underlines the value of ‘knowing’:
“He who knows not, and knows not that he knows not, is a fool; shun him.
He who knows not, and knows that he knows not, is simple; Teach him.
He who knows,
and knows not that he knows, is asleep; Wake him.
He who knows, and knows that he knows, is Wise; Follow him.”
What then does one need to know about marriage? At its very core, two things – we are relational beings and we are redeemed beings.
a. Relational
God our creator is Relational with an uppercase ‘R’! Hence, the highest crowning glory of God’s creation – humans, have been fearfully and wonderfully crafted, to bear his image. Imago Dei, we are purposed to be! A crucial aspect of this image bearing is relationality. The relational oneness within the members of the Godhead, forms the basis of all relationships.
Marriage seals the highest expression of relationality possible between any two individuals. The marriage relationship is the only one in which all the four loves can possibly culminate – agape, storge, phileo and eros!
Knowing this ought to help us see our marriages as a unique and high calling that we are privileged with – rejoicing over and reflecting relationality in its highest possible sense, a fascinating dimension of image bearing.
b. Redeemed
All of us are broken in many ways. We live in a broken world, once created perfect, we are now wallowing in our collective fallenness and frailties, by our own doing, though not hopelessly, for we are the redeemed of God in Christ Jesus.
While we are redeemed in one sense, we have not reached the practical out-workings of our redemption in the fullest sense, just yet. But we are inching towards that fully-realized-forever-redemption, every day.
So, when we look at our marriages – ourselves or our spouses, and things look mundane, monotonous or morose, we need to remind ourselves that we all are redeemed, and yet we all are work-in-progress trudging our way to glory, enabled by Him.
Knowing this ought to help us see ourselves and our spouse, as God sees us. Not as written away pieces that didn’t make the cut, but as potential reflectors of his glory!
B. Understanding
While knowing is empowering, understanding is liberating. It’s an extension of knowledge that eludes many. We may have several knowledgeable people, but those with understanding are in limited supply.
a. Sacred
Marriage is not a human invention or state intervention. Marriage vide the Bible is a divine institution. Marriage is sacred. Period! God is the first one that saw the need for companionship, suitability, intimacy, oneness and lovingly brought forth Madam for Adam!
When we understand the source, sanctity, wisdom and purpose behind this institution, we understand its gravitas and won’t tread through it as trite or trivial, but supremely value it for what it’s really worth.
b. Sacrificial
In marriage, a man is asked to love his woman as Christ loves the church. Christ’s love for the church is sacrificial to the highest degree that baffles any sane mind. Oh, what love! An unconditional, unrelenting, unfathomable love, writ large through his agonizing sacrificial death, to redeem and restore his wayward beloved to all her intended beauty and majesty. Whoa, is me!
Understanding that we are called to love our spouses thus, is at once convicting, compelling and demands a conforming to the image of Christ, even through our marriages.
C. Wisdom
Now, wisdom according to the Bible is the ability to make right moral choices. Wisdom therefore for a Christian is the practical outworking of knowledge and understanding. A fruit-testing-of- sorts, that Jesus recommends to discern between sheep and goats!
a. Reflective
Decisions about marriage, in marriage, through marriage are a reflection of our conformity to Christ. That is a deal breaker. When husbands and wives realize the weight of what it is to be married and to thrive in our marriages, we would have relayed the sacrificial love of Christ and modeled Him well to our children, our parents, our siblings and to our neighbours.
Reviving the long – lost faith of modern society in one of the most beautiful and brilliant institutions of God, we would foster healthier homes, secure children, joyful families and healthy communities. We ought to be role-models that champion the case for Christian marriages and instill hope for the younger ones to marvel at and desire it.
Wisdom tells us to constantly keep making these wise moral choices that can impact generations to come. A rethinking of incarnational evangelism!
b. Transformative
Ruth Bell Graham, famously said that “marriage is a union of two forgivers.” Anyone that’s been married even for a few weeks can vouch for that! Marriage truly is transformative. It’s the ultimate self-discovery tool, isn’t it?
Marriage mysteriously seems to bring out the hidden and the untapped in us – the good, the bad and the ugly. No masks and no filters. Marriage is a great leveler.
In the life of a wise Christian, marriage is a great cultivator of character, of integrity, of commitment, of Christ-likeness and is the only institution that can get us close to understanding the length, depth, height and weight of what it takes Christ to love the Church – to love me!
A rigorous rethinking of marriage on these lines and a resolved working out of our marriages with ‘fear and trembling’ in the light of being the image bearers of Christ in a culture that challenges us to show God palpably, will go a long way in redeeming communities and even the world-at-large, for Christ Jesus. A case for redeemed marriages could well be a case for Christ – a compelling invitation for rethinking contemporary missions in a world bereft of sexual and relational boundaries.
May God be our marriage maker, marriage shaper, marriage keeper, marriage reviver, marriage restorer for His Name’s sake! Amen!
-Charles & Priscilla
